Old Crow Medicine Show - Wagon Wheel [Official Music Video]

The Best Christmas Present Ever

   Last Christmas was a very sad one for me, and I had many sad ones before that as well. I wasn't completely alone, I had my boyfriend at the time, but I didn't feel whole. I am not very close with my family and I can't even remember the last time that I spent it with them. Last Christmas was especially sad though because I didn't have my baby boy with me.


   For the past year and a half, I have not had my son living with me. He has been staying with a good friend's family and I got to see him a few times a week, but it was just not the same. It's a long and complicated story of how Social Services got involved in the first place, but let's just say that my struggle with drugs and alcohol were to blame. It was very hard to see my son Jayden, watch him grow older, and know that I wasn't there to get the full experience of his development. It was also so very hard for me to see him for a few hours and then have to say goodbye. The guilt and the shame I felt were unbearable. I felt like such a horrible mother.


   In the beginning of losing him, I was really struggling. I got better with time. But I still couldn't stop drinking and using completely. I still had the thought "well, no one will know", or "I'm by myself, I'm not hurting anyone". I went to a rehab and ended up getting kicked out of there for use. That's when I really got scared. Time was running out, and Social Services was looking to close the case. So I started frantically trying to find another rehab. I ended up finding one around Annapolis and I put myself in there. I ended up doing very well there and gradated the day of my next court hearing. Unfortunately with all my last minute efforts, it still wasn't looking favorable for me. Social Services was looking to terminate my parental rights. In the hallway before court, the lady who was keeping my son told me that they were looking to adopt Jayden and she would only let me see him four times a year!!! Can you believe that? WOW, that's all I have to say.


   Well I was devastated. I thought it was all over for me. But god was in the courtroom that day. When we got before the judge, he said that we were going to postpone the hearing for 30 days because there was an emergency hearing before us so we didn't have time to be seen. So for the next thirty days, I really put my determination in full force. I stayed completely sober, I  started attending A.A. meetings daily, found a sponsor, and started working the twelve steps. I was also living in a shelter at the time, walking to most every meeting, and visiting my son twice a week.


   When we came back to court, I had three character witnesses with me and a lawyer who was pretty confident that we would come out on top. Well, my lawyer ended up not having to do much, because to everyone's surprise, social services changed their reccommendation to reunification with the mother!!! God was definitely in that courtroom once again. We were to come back again in 60 days. In that two month time period, I continued doing what I was doing, staying sober, working with my sponsor, attending meetings. I eventually got out of the shelter and moved into a nice log cabin in Little Orleans with my friend whom Jayden calls "daddy"(purely platonic).


   This last court date was December 2nd and it was the best day of my life! I ended up walking out of the courtroom with him and he has been with me ever since. He made himself right at home and it is almost like he never left. But I never want to forget where I came from and all of the pain, because I never want to go back there again. So as you might imagine, this is the best Christmas I have ever had, and I have the very best Christmas present ever!!!

The Right Intent

    It's wonderful to do nice things for people. It's probably something that we should all do more of. But are our intentions always pure?


   We must not only have right actions, but we must also have the right intent. People often do things for selfish, sometimes even vengeful reasons. Being that it is Christmas time, let's use the example of buying someone a gift. An example of the wrong intention would be to give the gift with the expectation of getting one back. Another example is so that you will look like a better daughter or son to your mother than your other sibling does because your gift is better. An example of the right intention for giving someone a gift would be because you want to make them happy.


   Now I am in the process of making amends to those people whom I have harmed in my life. I am working on the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous and I am currently on step nine. When making these direct amends to people, I must go about it with the right intent. I cannot apologize with the expectation that the other person will admit their wrongdoings towards me and apologize back. That is not how these things work. I am only trying to clean my side of the street, to get right with my perception of god, not to worry about if their side of the street is clean or not. It is completely irrelevant if they apologize or not. My intentions must be pure and unselfish.


   Another example of the wrong intent would be to do something because you want to gain recognition or praise for it. Another would be to do something sweet for someone whom you want to become attracted to you , sleep with you, or fall in love with you. Still another example would be to buy someone something real nice with the expectations that they will now do what you say. There are so many examples of the wrong intent, I could go on and on.


   To have the right intent is simple. Just do something good because it feels good doing it, because it's the right thing to do. Do it because it brings the other person joy, and that in turn, makes you happy. Others may not ever know if your intent was pure, but you will always know. And so will God, and that's the only one who really matters in the end...

Resentment

   Resentment. Such an ugly word. Holding resentments against someone is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person dies. It is a spiritual sickness that doesn't affect others at all, it will only eat at you and keep you sick.


   We all have had people in our lives who have been vendictive and vengeful, people that have nothing better to do with their time than to try to hurt you or "get even" with you. Yes, it's a sad phenomena. We have all had ex boyfriends, ex bosses, coworkers, friends and others who seem to  hold the title "king or queen of resentment". I just recently had to deal with an ex boyfriend who was as venemous and hateful as ever. I had broke up with him, had his phone which I was using returned to him along with a note explaining that I need to change people, places, and things and I wish the best for him in his life and will always love him. I didn't find it prudent to speak to him face to face, as he is a "tad bit" emotionally unstable and very unpredictable. Also, I had spoke to him on the phone about the fact that I really do not need a relationship in my life right now as I am sick as well and need to work on myself. I certainly do not need an unhealthy relationship to add to my own problems and struggles.


   Well the underlying emotion that he felt was hurt, which I fully understand. We can't please everybody all the time in this life and sometimes I need to take care of myself first. But he masked his emotional pain with anger and began a diabolic mission to try to ruin me. He posted nasty things on my facebook page. He hacked into my facebook account as me and posted things that were just thoughtless and uncharacteristic of me. He began sending me cruel texts, insulting my intelligence, my son, my hepatitis-c, my family...the list goes on. Now what kind of person stoops to that level and how am I to respond to such things?


   Well, all that I can do is pray for him, for he is spiritually sick. Simply put. Some people feed off of their own anger and negativity. To wallow in such things is absolutely no way to live. I have prayed for him often, praying that he will someday find serenity and inner peace. It is always best to take the high road in any situation involving resentment. Resentment is such a waste of time and energy.


   We all have to deal with the stresses of negative people in our lives, but it is how we choose to deal with it that really matters. We don't have to let their negative energy engulf and destroy us. We can choose to live a peaceful existence--- in mind, body, and spirit. What's true in our minds and hearts is true, we create our own destiny-- a destiny free of resentments. As far as we know, we only have this one lifetime, and life is too short to wallow in misery, spite, self-pity, and darkness.

Seeing Butterflies

   A lot has been going on with me over these past couple of months. I am fighting to get my son back with me, I put myself through rehab, have been going to meetings daily, and have been working the twelve steps with my sponsor. I have been chewed up, spit out, knocked down, and picked myself back up again.

   But one thing is for sure, I haven't lost my faith. If anything, my faith has grown and strengthened immensely since the last time you have heard from me. Now I am not a religious fanatic or a bible-thumper, but I am a deeply spiritual person.I believe in the power of nature, the Great Spirit, and the celebration of seasons. I believe that what we call god is an undeniable force of pure love and encompases all world religions and prophets.

   While I was in rehab, I began praying and asking god to show him/herself to me in my life. I was graced with prophetic and profound dreams, overwhelming feelings of peace and communion, enlightening experiences in and of nature, and many many butterflies! Now if you know anything about me, you know that I love butterflies. I believe them to be a symbol of freedom, of metamorphosis, and beauty. God knows this too. I can't tell you how many times that god has put butterflies in my path in these last couple of months!

   Just yesterday, I was feeling very stressed out over my upcoming court date involving my son. It is coming up very soon, next Friday to be exact.I was taking a walk down a dirt path, all the while worrying and stressing out.All of a sudden I was surrounded by butterflies all around me,their beautiful intricately designed wings and vibrant colors fluttering. I was overcome with feelings of excitement and inpiration, but most of all, I was overtaken by feelings of comfort and hope. God was with me and was telling me not to be discouraged, that everything will be okay.

   There is something that we human beings must realize in life, and that is that we cannot control everything . We just cannot "play god". We are only mortal, it is god that has all power. I am learning that I have to let go absolutely and simply "give it to god". All that I can do is the next right thing, and know that if I do, then god "has my back". There is no denying this. From personal experience, I know that if you truly seek god, he/she will begin to become apparent in your life.

   Maybe god will send you beautiful butterflies. Maybe it will be something different, something deeply meaningful and a source of inspiration for you. All I know is that I have no fear now. I will walk in the sunlight. I will walk through the greener pasture and vast mountainsides. And I will walk with my god-given butterflies...

How To Deal With Grief

   " The boundaries that divide life from death are shadowy and vague at best. Who shall say where one ends and the other begins?" ---Edgar Allen Poe

   Death is hard and I have been personally faced with it within the last 365 days. They have all been traumatic, some times one more than the other, but they have all hit home.

   The worst thing that one can do is to try to cling to something that is gone, or try to recreate it. These people that we miss still live actively in our hearts, souls, and minds... but are just not on this physical plane with us anymore. We must acknowledge that...

   Although we don't live in a world of mere reality, we can create our own reality. We live in a world of perceptions, where what's true in our minds is true!!! We can create our own reality, and if that exists with our deceased loved one contacting us directly or indirectly on a daily basis, then so be it!

   If there are resentments that we harbor, to forgive is the highest most beautiful form of love. And I promise you that in return, you will receive pure, untold peace and happiness. I promise this to you, and I promise that it can only get better... Hate is not overcome by hate. By only LOVE is hate suppressed. That is an eternal law...

   Perhaps our loved ones are not stars, but openings in "heaven" where the love our lost ones flow and pour through freely, and shine down upon us to let us know that they are happy.

   So is grief hard to handle? I would say "yes", but if you take heed to some of my helpful advice, it will become easier. It has for me. It has only been under a year for me, just think of how I will have evolved in a couple years or so from now?? It can only get better...

Into The Land Of The True

   I unveil the delicate curtain into the land of the real

   Where we are true to purely shine, where we aren't afraid to feel

   Where we are able to open up and cry

   To relax and keep it true under illuminating blue skies

   I want to feel happy I desire to SHINE

   I can reach the next level, I can touch the divine

   Clear my mental realm, I want to start all over again

   Like a newborn child, so pure and content

   It's time to be reborn and vulnerable, like everything is NEW

   Lets be the chosen children, we can be one of  the few

    So take my hand into the land of the true

   Watch your dreams become your reality

   Melt into Mother Nature, blend into the sky so blue

   Behold--The unfathomable land of purity, love, and truth...

  

   So take my hand into the land of the true

    Watch your dreams become your reality

   Melt into Mother Nature, blend into the sky so blue

   Behold--The unfathomable land of the true...

   So take my hand into the land of the true

   Watch your dreams become your reality

   Melt into Mother Nature, blend into the sky so blue


   Behold-- The unfathomable land of the true...

Under Hazy Eyes...

   Under hazy eyes, I see the sun

   I feel the burning heat and I feel as ONE

   I know that in essence we are born pure

   We get lost in this mechanical world, where evil does lurk

    Under hazy eyes, I see the radiating, undulating rays of the sun

   I feel that we are each a ray, coming out of our god, the sun

   We are on a hazy journey, but in the end, salvation will come

   The emptiness and loneliness will slip away

   We will be happy to be reunited with another sunny day

   Under hazy eyes, I can lose all of my fears

   And know that someday my eyes will become clear...

You Can't Choose Who You Love...

   I can't help who we love, we all can't. The cycle of love can be vicious, repetitive, unwanted, and more...

   I just recently left a boyfriend of almost a year, and it seems like we are together again. I hate him for it, but he holds a place in my heart that can not and never will be replaced.

   Have you ever heard the saying " let a bird fly free, and if it comes back, it was meant to be"? Well that seems to be the case with Bryan and I. I love him and that love in my heart truly stands the test of time. I can't explain love and the powerful grip it holds on us. I can just speak from personal experience...

   Love is grand, love is real---love can take your breath away. I am a sucker for true love, and I always will be. Love is a force that joins us all...it is as real as the day is long. Instead of running from it, I will gratgefully embrace it...

Is A.A. and N.A. a Cult?

   Is Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous a cult? Well, there are so many mixed views. I, for one, have not yet decided my position on this matter in question...

   In both congregations they say that you need to surrender to a higher power, a "god of your understanding". Although in  A.A., they recite the Lord's Prayer, which is a Christian-based prayer. A little hypocritical, don't you think? Now in N.A., they just recite the Serenity Prayer at the end. I have no problem with that. I am not overly excited about organized religions---although I am a devoutly and open-minded spiritual individual.

   I have recently been trying to do "90 in 90", an expression that means ninety meetings in ninety days. I am attempting this because I think it is the right thing to do, seeing as I have problems with chemical dependency and all other attempts have failed. I do have social anxiety though, which has made it circumstantially harder for me than most. However, I keep going and try to become a stronger person as a result of it.

    The A.A. crowd seems to be more "old-school" and a little self-righteous, while the N.A. crowd tends to be more open and younger. I consider myself to be an addict and an alcoholic, so I have been attending both sects.

   I still don't know how I feel about these meetings as a whole. They do read off of the same pamphlets which are passed out at every meeting, almost as though drilling it into one's head. It kind of reminds me of a Catholic mass. On the other hand, there is strength in numbers, and it does help to hear other people's stories and have their unquestioned and unconditional support.

   So are these fellowships a hoax? A cult? I would have to say I am "on the fence" on this issue. Maybe if I continue attending these meetings, I will get a better grasp on my own personal opinions. But as of now, I will just keep "making meetings" because hey, "meeting makers make it"...

The Right Intent

   Many people do things for many reasons. When people do kind things, many times they have underlying motives. Such motives could be...to try to get "with" a girl or guy, to secure their place in heaven, or even to expect something nice done in return.
   We have all been guilty of this to some degree... well these motives are wrong.
    To do something with the right intent is very important. We should have no other motive than to help out a person or to make them smile, to make their day a little happier or brighter since we played a small role in it.
   The problem with us humans is that we can become greedy. We are always looking out for "number one", ourselves. Our actions should be pure and our heart should always be in the right place.
   Karma is REAL and it will come around to bite us in the ass.

   So when you do something for someone today, make sure that you solely have their well being in mind. Having the right intent is crucial, and it goes a long way...

How To Escape our Deep-Set/ Engrained Thoughts

   We are all born with a blank slate. Our road map is literally barren terrain, untreaded on. As a completely pure and innocent child, environmental circumstances, and childhood experiences, teach us how to build and form the "roads" on our barren terrain, our clean slate.
   As we begin to tread these familiar roads more and more, mostly out of habit and comfort, the roads become engrained deeper, deeper, and more distinct. As an adult, we almost have to "rewire" our brain, to try new paths, to escape what we have become so accustomed to.
   I know that it only gets harder the older that we get. It is sad to see older, mainly middle-aged people or older, who are so "set in their ways that is almost like trying to turn a train full-speed ahead and make it do a full 180%.
   The message is simply this... the younger you are, the easier it is to save yourself from a mental imprisonment where only you hold the key. But the only thing constant in life is change, and CHANGE IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE, no matter what your age.
   So even taking a different route home from work than you usually do, or putting on one sock and one shoe, instead of both socks and then both shoes, is good mini-steps to rewiring the deep-set roads already formed in the brain. The older and wiser one gets, the more they realize that they really know nothing at all. Life may be a constant struggle, as it is for all of us, but with a little perserverance and openmindedness, we CAN always improve ourselves!!!

I Don't Step On The Scale Anymore...

   I don't step on the scale anymore. Seriously. I can't do it, for my own well being and piece of mind... The scale can be my enemy and I don't think it's necessary for me, and many people for that matter.
   I suffer from two distinct eating disorders-- primarily anorexia and bulimia. We are all born with either one of three body types---endomorphs, ectomorphs, and, and mesomorphs... the endomorphs consisting of mainly fatty tissue... the ectomorphs primarily long and lean, and the mesomorphs being of a naturally muscular build.
   I happen to fall into the third category... I am a mesomorph. And for the first time in my life I am proud enough to admit it. I can now say part of the serenity prayer..."God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change..." And now I really understand that. I can't change the body type that I was born with...
   I can't change that I am a mesomorph and I have drawn up the courage to accept the body that my higher power bestowed upon me. I am uniquely Allysan.
   Stepping on the scale, for me, is detrimental. My body is comprised mostly of muscle. As we all know, muscle weighs more than fat. If I look on the scale and see a number that doesn't please me, it will only aid in my psychological demise. I don't need that kind of self prison and torture. I am happy just knowing that I am healthy and happy, thank you very much.
   I am trying to be a confident female in todays image-conscious world. I am trying to fully love myself, something that we're all trying to accomplish. So no stepping on the scale for me, not necessary. I have enough stress in my life, let alone trying to cope with a number on the scale. So stand proud girls, and remember that we all come in unique shapes and sizes...AND WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL!!!

Sweetest Girl (Dollar Bill)

My Biggest Fear Is My Biggest Secret

   Everyone is afraid of something... fear of heights, fear of death, fear of spiders, etc. Even though some of us want to portray themselves as fearless and tough, deep down we all have things that we are afraid of. I hide something from people, it's my biggest secret. My biggest fear is being rejected.
   We all want to be accepted, it's human nature. I like to portray a level of confidence wherever I go, but inside I'm scared. I want people to like me, to accept me, to love me. I don't want to be rejected, abandoned, taunted, or dismissed. This fear is my biggest secret because if people know I am afraid of rejection that makes me very vulnerable. I may seem weak or frail and easy to take advantage of. I am a super-sensitive person and I can get hurt easily.
   I love people. I believe in unity in diversity. I possess an abundance of love, empathy and compassion for other people and I wish we could "all just get along". In a perfect world, we would all love and accept one another. Unfortunately this is not a perfect world and not all people are nice and "good". People can be mean, cruel, manipulative, even violent. Some people are just out for themselves and will stop at nothing to get what they want. It's very sad and disheartening, but it's true.
   I have  been hurt, rejected, ridiculed, and abandoned before and it has caused me great pain. As a child in school, kids could be cruel, boyfriends broke up with me, etc. As an adult, people were close-minded and prejudiced, I have experienced and witnessed abuse, betrayal, and genuine lack of love. I just want to be liked and accepted, just like everyone else. For me, it is a very sensitive subject because I am so sensitive. I want to exude confidence because I believe that confidence looks best on a person. People are drawn to confident people. Deep down inside though, I'm just a scared little girl who just wants to be accepted, not rejected.
   I know that my fear and biggest secret may seem silly to some people, but it is very real to me. I know that I need to build more self-love and inner confidence. Those things are the foundation to a confident person. Everyone wants people to like and accept them, but I think that I may want it, need it too much. The need for approval must stem from some deep place within my soul, some past experiences that have really hurt and scarred me. I must learn how to conquer this fear though. I must become a stronger and more confident person.
   So now you know my biggest fear. Now you know my biggest secret. I think it takes a lot of guts to come out with this publicly. It is something that I have always kept bottled deep inside, so I am proud of myself for writing a blog about this. So what is your biggest fear? Leave a comment and let me know!!!

The Road Less Traveled By...

   I am at a point in my life's journey where I have come to a fork in the road. One road is safe and easy, but will eventually lead to emptiness and dissatisfaction in the long run. The other road is an uphill battle, but will lead to joy and fulfillment in the long run. It is time for me to make a choice.

    I have always taken the easy road throughout my life, depended on a man to support me, and never had to take scary risks. The terms of life have changed now, as something else has been added to the equation--- something worth fighting for. This is about my son.

   As many of you may know, my son's father died last November. My son, Jayden, is without a father and is not living with me at this present time. He is with close family friends and he is doing fine, but I am in the process of getting him reunified with me after six long months. I have jumped through every hoop imaginable and done everything that has been expected of me. I see Jayden regularly and my visitation with him has increased. Everyone is rooting for me, I feel like I am the heroine in a comic book novel where I am the one who must come and "save the day". That analogy rings very true...

   It has come to the point now where they will be considering Jayden to be living with me and it is very important that I have a safe and healthy environment for him to live in. This is where my decision weighs in. There are certain aspects to my current living situation that are beyond my control that are not appropriate for a child to be living in. If this current situation is not acceptable for my son, then it is time for me to continue moving forward and walk this path alone.

   The easy way out is not feasible anymore. I will not even consider it, because that means losing the chance of having Jayden and I WILL NOT accept that as "okay". So I will be moving on, relying and depending on no one but myself. That is the way it should have been years ago, but at least I am finally taking this step towards independence. And yes, it is scary. No one ever said that things are supposed to be easy. But this road will be spiritually rewarding, and my heart will not be empty anymore---it will be filled with the love of my son!!! And that is the ONLY man that I will ever need...

   " I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood and I--
   I took the one less traveled by,    And that has made all the difference."
                                                                                                                  --- Robert Frost

Mother's Day... An Especially Sad Day For Me

Mother's Day is supposed to be a happy day, a day for mother and child to unite and cherish the bond that they have. It is a day for children to show their mother's how much they love and appreciate them. Unfortunately, this national holiday only makes me sad.

I have never felt that nurturing type of energy from my mother. It is a quality that a mother is supposed to have, but I never felt it. My mom has always been the "tough-love" type, always very serious, never very light-hearted or humorous. She was always very involved in her career, and at times she would refer to the children that she worked with (she is a social worker) as "her kids". It made me feel that I was not her #1 priority and that she put her profession before her real children.

As an adult, our relationship has also been strained. Her "tough-love" approach and high expectations have made it very difficult for us to have any type of close relationship. I have a son now, and if you have read my previous blogs, you know how much he means to me and how very much I love and adore him. I am working on getting him back with me. I want him to be close with his grandmother just as much as I want to be close with my mom.

I certainly don't condemn my mom for how she is. I know that how a person is has a lot to do with how they were raised, their environmental circumstances growing up, and certain psychological dispositions. Also, I know that I haven't been the world's perfect daughter. I have messed up time and time again and I have been a dissapointment to my mom in many ways. I certainly take responsibility for all of my wrongdoings.


My mom was just recently in town to visit with my son and she didn't even want to take some time to see me. She is upset at the circumstances in which I do not have my son. The circumstances have nothing to do with abuse or neglect in any way but rather have to do with substance abuse which I immediately sought treatment for. I am jumping through every hoop and doing everything that social services expected of me and more. But that is another blog....

To completely avoid me and want nothing to do with me, to never call or reach out to me, it really hurts. The hurt runs very deep, as this is my mother we're talking about. This is my own flesh and blood.

Like I said, I have a son. I know how strong a mother's love is. Therefore, I can't understand how my mother can just write me off like she is doing and completely not want me in her life. I could never be like that with my son Jaden. No matter what he does, he will always be my son. I will never reject him or push him away.

So while Mother's day is a happy, celebratory day for most, it just can't be that way for me. It brings tears to my eyes at the thought of how distant I am with my own mother. I hope that one day, some beautiful day, things with me and my mom will be closer than ever before...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

The Three Levels Of Existence

   Basically, I have a philosophy on the three levels that us humans exist on.--- The Spiritual Level, The Emotional Level, and The Concrete/ Factual Level. I believe that while one soul mainly exists on the Spiritual Level, they are also able to come down to the Emotional and Concrete/ Factual Levels. Someone whose highest level of existence is the Emotional Level, then they can only come down to the concrete/ Factual Level.  The following diagram best describes the hierarchy of these three levels of existence:



                                                            SPIRITUAL LEVEL
                                                                           /
                                                                          /    
                                                            EMOTIONAL LEVEL                                
                                                                            /
                                                                          /
                                                      CONCRETE/ FACTUAL LEVEL


   I believe that most humans probably exist on the middle level, the one where we are aware and in tune with our emotions, we listen to our heart and our gut feelings, and do not let our morals, values, or souls be compromised.                                                                                                                      
  Unfortunately though, there are many humans who only believe what is in a written, factual document, never believe for a second in anything that they cannot see with their naked eye, touch, taste, or read about in factual literature. These are people who are overly enamored by political news and worldly events...almost to the point where it takes over and becomes their lives, and they forget who they are anymore. The same can hold true of a Concrete/ Factual person with their job, where their job description actually "becomes" them in all their facets of life and they can only associate themselves with the 9 to 5 job that they perform. Something like where their profession becomes their identity and true identity is lost.
   The highest level of existence, that I refer to as the Spiritual existence, is not about going to church or worshiping God. It is about possessing the knowledge that there is more to life than what meets the eye, we are part of some ebb and flow, a mystical and divine energy that surrounds and envelops us. For the most part, people on the Spiritual Level believe in karma and try to put forth good energy into the world. It doesn't matter what religion or creed one possesses, this Spiritual Level is about something more intense and cannot be labeled. I believe that it is the highest level of awareness that one can achieve.
   So basically, these are my thoughts, my philosophies and ramblings. You may not agree with this hierarchy at all. And by no means am I saying that one cannot move up to a higher level of awareness. The way of thinking that we possess now is not a lifelong sentence. We hold the future and we can always strive to better ourselves in any way humanly (and super-humanly) possible. May you take my writings with stride. Merry Part and Blessed Be...

Exercise As A Spiritual Practice...

   Exercise, to me, is a spiritual practice. Your physical body is supposed to be your temple. By taking care of your physical "shell", pushing it to the limit in positive ways is truly divine.
   When I am exercising, before I break a sweat, it can be difficult and challenging. Once I pass the point of breaking a sweat, as my body temperature begins to rise higher and higher, and sweat is pouring down my face, I feel a natural high that to me, can only be described as sublime.
   Every time I have an exercise session, I push my body harder and farther. To feel the pleasure and the pain from an intense and grueling workout, I know that these feelings only come with possessing a physical body. I think to myself that when I die, all sensations of the physical body will cease to exist, and I will only be pure spirit. So in knowing that, i appreciate the physical sensations that I am blessed to be able to experience now.
   The pain turns into intense gratification when I surpass the 3.75-mile-mark that I attained just the day before. As I push myself farther this time, I smile inwardly with pride. This is a very spiritual practice to me. An active form of meditation if you will, where my only competitor is myself.
   This is overwhelmingly beautiful to me. For a brief moment, I feel that I am one with God. I am at peace with myself and my surroundings, and all is right with the world.
   When I walk out of the gym, I try to take that feeling with me, carry that inner peace and sense of accomplishment with me wherever I go. My exercise sessions are my special time where I am competing with myself, feeling the "physical" to the fullest, and communing with my God. Yes exercise, to me, is a very spiritual practice, and I wouldn't trade all of the pain and grueling sweat for anything in the world!!!

Whatever the Mind Can Conceive and Believe, The Mind Can Achieve

   I'm about to talk about something called "thought- manifestation". What we believe in our minds is true, IS TRUE. We create our own reality, and we really can achieve anything that we believe.
   To define a purpose is the starting point of all things achieved. Without a purpose and plan, people drift aimlessly through life. Ideas form the foundation. Once we learn how to harness the power of our minds and organize our knowledge, we can begin to learn how to keep our minds trained and focused on the things that we want to manifest, and off of the things that we don't.
   When trying to manifest a reality for yourself, you have to create an alliance with other minds with the goal of a common purpose. Minds collaborating together creates a proactive energy and is much more effective than only your mind alone. A reality cannot manifest itself clearly without the conscious or unconscious cooperation of others. An active alliance of two or more minds in a spirit of perfect harmony for the attainment of a common objective, stimulates growth and change. There is thus a higher degree of courage that that ordinarily experienced, and paves the way for a state of mind known as "faith".
   Faith is actually not just a quality that one possesses, but also an active state of mind. This "blind belief" is applied to achieving a definite major purpose in life. What I mean by "blind belief" is that it has no basis in fact. Faith is a purely mental concept. When we apply faith, we are listening to our gut instinct and following our heart. And just to have faith alone is not enough. Action is the first requirement of all faith. Having faith that things are going to unfold the way that you "will" them to, that things are going to come together as they should--- is only half of the battle. Now you must apply "action"...
   There is something called the Universal Law. It it the law that governs "karma", and evenly and rightly disperses energy. This Universal Law neither permits anyone to get something for nothing, nor allows any form of giving or labor to go unrewarded. So give a little more than what you get... as often as possible. The Universal Law also governs the Law of Compensation. If you continuously put positive energy, good deeds, and good karma into the universe, the universe will reward you.
   What is true in our minds IS TRUE. We DO create our own reality. We are all just energy in the shell of a human body. Having a moral code and a personal initiative is vital to creating your own destiny. Creative vision is also essential. Our minds are very powerful. We can create the vision, but then we must apply our faith and consciously put our plan into action. By creating positive karma thus positive energy, our thoughts CAN and WILL manifest into our REALITY...

How To Argue Effectively

   "Argue" is such a negative word, but I thought I would use it to gather your attention. When I say "argue", I mean "handle disagreements" and have positive confrontations. No relationship of any kind doesn't go through periods of struggle,  misunderstanding, or hardships. It is beneficial to be aware of more effective ways to manage confrontation when disagreement strikes.
    Usually when one feels compelled to confront someone about something, it has to do with one's emotions being hurt in some way. The first thing to remember is that no one likes to feel like they are under attack. Therefore it is very important to approach someone in a way that doesn't make them become defensive. Some people's egos are very sensitive and the slightest threat to their ego being bruised will put them in "defensive mode" at the drop of a dime.
   I stand by this method with all of my being, it is a technique that I learned long ago. Here is how the initial confrontation sentence should go (a general outline):   " I feel  ____________  when you ___________. In the future could we ____________ so that this doesn't happen again?"   In using this method of confrontation, you are not accusing the other person of anything, you are simply stating how YOU feel. No one can dispute your feelings. Your feelings are your own and should be respected as such.
   Also, it is just as much in the tone that you deliver your message as the words that you choose to say. If your tone is hysterical, condescending, or cruel, that in and of itself can make a person feel hurt or defensive. You want to make the other person feel respected as well as you wanting to feel respected yourself.                  If you have followed these two steps and still the other person reacts in a negative way, then now is a good time to say something like, "I guess that there has been a misunderstanding in our communication. Perhaps we should come back to this later." When you can't heed any positive results for whatever reason, then it is always best to walk away. If you continue "feeding the fire", a small confrontation can turn in to a huge fighting match where no one feels satisfied, and ultimately both parties end up feeling hurt.
   The main objective on both ends should be to come to some form of reconciliation and agreement, not to tear each other down and come out the "winner". There is NO WINNER in a disagreement. There is also no loser. Both parties have feelings, and both people's feelings need to be acknowledged and taken into account. When both people realize that they are on the same page with wanting to resolve the issue at hand, then you realize that you at least have one thing in common!!! You are NOT ENEMIES!!! You both want the same outcome. Now if you can proceed with respect and compassion, then a resolution is sure to be found...

The Simple, Sweetest Life

   I feel my naked soul embracing the moonlight
   My spirit wants to run free
   Resides in the path of my destiny
   I feel ALIVE in ways so high
   I am so small, miniscule, compared to the vast blue sky
   I ask for salvation, I ask for time
   Life is a multispectrum of love and ---I have the courage to cry
   This life is full of  light and beauty,
   Darkness and diseased vanity
   Flashes of illuminating wisdom and awareness are shown to me intermittently on this journey called life
   To see feel, heal and thus grow--- I must open myself completely
   From these piercingly true glimpses of reality
   I open myself to experience life fully
   My heart and my mind like an empty vessel---
   Living the simple, sweetest life...

Mahatma Gandhi : God is Life, Truth, Light, Love and The supreme Good

A Better Life is Waiting--- Just Better Yourself !!!

   They say that every action causes a reaction, that you "reap what you sow". Good begets good, and bad begets bad. I have always believed these thing to be true, but I didn't realize just how true they were until recently. I have begun to see these words in a different context lately, a whole new light...

   For so many years of my life, from early adolescence all the way through until almost the age of thirty, I have engaged in self-destructive behaviors of some form or another. As a young teenager, I used to cut myself purposely to dull the emotional pain. I began acting out sexually because I didn't love myself, didn't get much love at home, and was looking for it elsewhere. I began experimenting with alcohol and drugs in order to exist in a different reality because I didn't like the reality that I was really living in. All of these behaviors were not only harmful for me physically, but also mentally.

   Throughout my twenties, I was just as horrible to my body. I was using every drug, from hallucinogens to crystal meth, from ecstasy to heroin. I began popping prescription pills like candy, particularly benzodiazapines to relieve my anxiety. I drank alcohol to excess, and by the age of 23, was a full-blown alcoholic who needed to take a swig of liquor as soon as I woke up in order to prevent having the "shakes".

   Now I was discussing earlier how every action causes a reaction. It was as a result of my hardcore ecstasy use from the age of 18 to 21 that I began to have intense social anxiety, panic attacks, and other forms of anxiety. My body wasn't producing serotonin by itself anymore, which is the chemical that makes a person happy and gives them a sense of calm and well-being. As a result of using intravenous drugs, I contracted Hepatitis-C around the age of 24. Mainly as a result of benzodiazapine use and abuse, I incurred criminal charges, got caught up in the Colorado legal system, and spent around two years (collectively) incarcerated. I do not have my son in my physical custody right now due to my choices to continue to take benzodiazapines when I know that they lead me to drink alcohol and do other thing that are out of character for me when I am sober.

   Although I have been a student of fitness, nutrition, and natural health for many years now, I have been a hypocrite if I am "talking the talk and not walking the walk". Even though since my early 20's I have exercised pretty regularly for bouts at a time, and really wanted to be healthy in my body, my mind just wasn't ready for it yet. I have lost things so precious to me, I have lost so many years of my life. I can truly say that I HIT ROCK BOTTOM.

   And now we come to the present day. So what happened? Well, one day only about 6 months ago, I WOKE UP. I had been trying to wake up for years now, so when I say that I woke up, I mean that I finally woke up FULLY. For once in my life, I feel like I am finally growing up, becoming a woman instead of being stagnant as a lost and scared little girl. I have been going to the gym almost on a daily basis. I have been broadening my knowledge on world news, history, politics, anything that I can get my hands on. I have been taking supplements and eating healthy. Because I have been staying clean and doing everything that is expected of me in order to get my son back, I have been granted longer and more frequent visits with him with the intent for them to be unsupervised very shortly and I predict that he will be back living with me in a matter of a few more months!!!

   Everything is finally beginning to come together for me in my life, and these things are not happening because I have been sitting around wallowing in my misery and misfortune. The misery that I had been living in, I had CREATED. I had to begin being proactive in my life, recognizing that the negative and self-destructive behaviors that I had been engaging had only negative consequences.

   It is never too late to change. The only thing constant is change. The time is NOW. I have been bettering my mind and my body, only to see positive results. And the change never stops. Just because I am actively bettering myself now and yielding amazingly rewarding and fulfilling results, doesn't mean "oh, my life is good now, I guess I can stop and relax now." Improving yourself is an ongoing journey. True wisdom comes from knowing that in fact you know nothing. There is still so much learning and growing that I have to do, the quest never stops.

   But I can say that I am genuinely happy now, maybe for the first time in my life. I may be on doing good now, but but just think of how good I will be doing in say another 6 months if I continue on this path?!!! The possibilities are endless... 

   So here I am, living proof that you CAN achieve a better life by bettering yourself! The change starts with you. "If not now, then when? If not you, then who?"










   


 

We Can Learn A Lot From Small Children...

   We can learn a lot from small children and animals, for they are still "new", pure, trusting----Completely unscathed.
   They are completely innocent and hold no judgments. The world that they trustingly perceive as "real", their
eyes "new" and filled with awe....
   Fully appreciating things, never taking anything for granted... These pure souls find pleasure in the simplest of things, never over-analyzing or being "guarded"...
   These innocent creatures are filled with wild imagination... pure love and inspiration beyond belief...
We all came from that innocence, from the RAW SIMPLICITY of our MOTHER EARTH....
We all can return to this childlike purity...
   We can find the child within us, and take their hand. Take the hand of your inner child and lead him or her to salvation, redemption. Nurture your inner child, tell them that they need not be afraid anymore!!!
   So we can return to the ways of our birth, return to our innocence. Small children are so beautiful, and we can learn so much from them. They can remind us to s"stop and smell the flowers", enjoy the simple things in life.
   We are all just little innocent children inside who want to love and be loved. That is all that everyone wants in the end...Instead of thinking arrogantly and being condescending to our youth, maybe we need to take a lesson from them.
   Let the children be our teachers!!! Children look at the world with NEW EYES... Children appreciate beauty and naturally harness compassion and empathy.
   So "Hail to the children!"  You are not only our future, but you are our teachers!!!

On Turning Thirty...

   I am about to turn thirty. Yes, on April 5th, life as a "twenty-something" will be over. So how do I take this? many people take facing thirty years old as a negative event....scary....closer to death!!!
   I, on the other hand, am looking at turning thirty as a positive event. my entire "twenties" were fun, but they lacked things that I am just now beginning to gain. in my twenties, i was locked in a mind-set of partying, night-life....I couldn't get enough. I HAD to be where the excitement was at!!!
   I didn't have a child right away, because I wanted to give myself time to have fun, experience craziness and fun...do things that I couldn't do if I had the responsibility of motherhood.
   As a student of "extremes", I went too far. I got in legal messes, permanently destructed brain cells with excessive usage of drugs, on and on...you get the picture. If I could go back in time with the knowledge I have today, maybe things would be a little different. But everything happens for a reason, so without those experiences, I wouldn't be who I am today.
   Now let's talk about who I am today... I have enjoyed the "party scene", traveled the country, constructed philosophies on life,etc. I have abused my body enough, with every drug imaginable and enough alcohol to cause cirrhosis of the liver. It's time to evolve, it's time to change...
  I had a son at the age of twenty-seven. His name is Jayden and he is the center of my life./ I am finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I am starting to gain knowledge about how to associate with people in a rewarding kind of way. Things are becoming easier. I am finally growing up. It feels good!!!!
   I am beginning to take care of my body more, nourishing my mind, feeding my soul... I want to learn , educate myself on new things, possibly begin taking courses in my passion...fitness and nutrition! I want to excel, I want to evolve and grow. Keep moving forward, progressing and being proactive in life! I get it now... It takes some souls longer than others to understand how we are supposed to live our lives. With compassion, empathy, and a gentle kindness towards others. Take hold of your dreams and make them happen!
    This life is ours to live, we create our own reality . What's true in our minds is true. Turning thirty for me...is a wake-up call. On what is really important in life. I am more at peace within myself, I know myself better than I did at twenty. My missions now--- Be the best mother that I can be, be the best wife someday that I can be, and always accept change as a positive aspect of life. Always growing, always evolving.
   I am embracing thirty!!!! These years are prudent to having a healthy, stable, progressive life!!! I am looking forward to turning forty, for I have found the love of my life and I am excited to take this journey called "life" with him and my son!!!
   But for now, I am ready to embrace my thirties. Life is a roller-coaster, and I am strapped in for the ride!!!