Mother's Day... An Especially Sad Day For Me

Mother's Day is supposed to be a happy day, a day for mother and child to unite and cherish the bond that they have. It is a day for children to show their mother's how much they love and appreciate them. Unfortunately, this national holiday only makes me sad.

I have never felt that nurturing type of energy from my mother. It is a quality that a mother is supposed to have, but I never felt it. My mom has always been the "tough-love" type, always very serious, never very light-hearted or humorous. She was always very involved in her career, and at times she would refer to the children that she worked with (she is a social worker) as "her kids". It made me feel that I was not her #1 priority and that she put her profession before her real children.

As an adult, our relationship has also been strained. Her "tough-love" approach and high expectations have made it very difficult for us to have any type of close relationship. I have a son now, and if you have read my previous blogs, you know how much he means to me and how very much I love and adore him. I am working on getting him back with me. I want him to be close with his grandmother just as much as I want to be close with my mom.

I certainly don't condemn my mom for how she is. I know that how a person is has a lot to do with how they were raised, their environmental circumstances growing up, and certain psychological dispositions. Also, I know that I haven't been the world's perfect daughter. I have messed up time and time again and I have been a dissapointment to my mom in many ways. I certainly take responsibility for all of my wrongdoings.


My mom was just recently in town to visit with my son and she didn't even want to take some time to see me. She is upset at the circumstances in which I do not have my son. The circumstances have nothing to do with abuse or neglect in any way but rather have to do with substance abuse which I immediately sought treatment for. I am jumping through every hoop and doing everything that social services expected of me and more. But that is another blog....

To completely avoid me and want nothing to do with me, to never call or reach out to me, it really hurts. The hurt runs very deep, as this is my mother we're talking about. This is my own flesh and blood.

Like I said, I have a son. I know how strong a mother's love is. Therefore, I can't understand how my mother can just write me off like she is doing and completely not want me in her life. I could never be like that with my son Jaden. No matter what he does, he will always be my son. I will never reject him or push him away.

So while Mother's day is a happy, celebratory day for most, it just can't be that way for me. It brings tears to my eyes at the thought of how distant I am with my own mother. I hope that one day, some beautiful day, things with me and my mom will be closer than ever before...

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