The Promise Land

   I feel compelled to communicate my soul


   Where am I going? Am I destined to grow?


   I long to evolve into an enlightened being


   Sometimes I'm confused as to what I am feeling


   I desire to be lighthearted, weightless and free


   I'm clawing, fighting, and grasping to see


   I'm praying for mercy, I'm down on my knees


   Where is my redemption? Where is my release?


   Unveil the cloak from my weary eyes


   Somehow I must confront this conflict inside


   Lessons learned, memories relived


   Much life to live, much love to give


   Awakened to revelation, upright where I stand


   Someday I will cross the threshold, pass into the promise land...

I'm Not Afraid Anymore

   I have really been growing spiritually lately. I spent a lot of time in jails, prison, and other institutions throughout most of my twenties. It hardened me in the way that I really thought that everyone was out for themselves, had underlying motives, and wanted to take advantage of my kindness. Everyone was out to hurt me and expose my weaknesses for their own personal gain. I had a very negative perception of people.


   Now I know that is not true. Yes there are some people who fit that description, but deep down I truly believe that all people are inherrently good and all innately want one thing: to give love and be loved. We all want to feel accepted. We all want to feel a sense of inner peace and belonging. We are all little children underneath our layers of falsities, fronts, and protective shields that we build around ourselves.


   In knowing this, I can more easily reach out to people, take down my walls and truly connect with people on a deeper level. I can set aside my fears of people and form deeper, more meaningful relationships. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me and I am learning to fly. I am testing the water, taking small baby steps. In doing this, I am seeing that instead of getting hurt, people are opening up and reaching back to me. I am forming true friendships and gaining a newfound peace and happiness.


   My fears and anxieties that I have been carrying with me for so long have really compromised my happiness and well-being. My fears are leaving me now. I am beginning to feel weightless and free. I know that there is a lot more growth and learning on this journey and I am looking forward to growing older, because with age comes wisdom. I am embracing life now with open arms, not hiding from it. I am not that scared little girl that I once was, and I am proud to say: I am beginning to not be afraid anymore...

Ballerina

Twirling

I'm spinning around and around.

In a room, lots of people.

Shy and timid, I don't think much of myself.

Somehow I gather up the courage to speak.

My face turns red, eyes lowered, staring at the ground

But I did it

Twirling

My apathy falls to the ground.

In a room, lots of people.

I speak again, more sure of myself.

I look up a few times

Twirling

My low self-esteem and melancholy fall to the ground.

In a room, lots of people

I speak with confidence, I own my words.

direct eye contact

My shyness and self-loathing falls to the ground, my confidence grows.

Twirling

I am a ballerina

I'm not stifled and stagnant anymore,

I'm not torn and forlorn.

I'm free.

THE FIGHT

I rise up out of the ruins and only to my surmise


I slip on a rock and fall back into my failures,


Fall back into my disease


My soul is pure but my mind is trying to change me,


Derrange me


I try to climb back up the rocky terrain


I'm fumbling for a grasp on reality


Condemned to chaos, that's how I feel


Layers of falsities I must strip, must peel


I tell myself I can do this, I can rise above this insanity


I must always remember- it is darkest before the dawn


I open my arms, let the sunshine cleanse me


Hoping that my pain and angst will fall off and die


Just as I want to give up and cry,


Teardrops of wonder envelop my newborn eyes


Strengthened by hope and inspiration, I begin to rise


Reinforcements of recognition stabilize and comfort me


I have finally found the pathway to peace...

Jail and Prison--No More

   It's no secret that I've been locked-up. I've been incarcerated all the way from Wyoming to Colorado to New York state. Nothing to be proud of, but true all the same. God-willing, I haven't been locked up in about 5 years and I pray I never will be again for as long as I live.


   Thinking about incarceration reminds me of the worst jail experience I have ever had. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. I ended up incarcerated for about 2 months while I was 5/6 months pregnant with my son, Jayden. I had violated my probation while I was on an ankle bracelet and had to do the rest of my time in jail. The entire time I spent in jail, I was on 23-hour lockdown. I was stuck in my cell for 23 hours a day. On that hour that they let me out, no one else was out but me, so I was still alone. I was handcuffed for the whole hour that I was out, except for when I took a shower. I began to fear human contact because I had been deprived of it day in and day out. They took me off of all of my meds because I was pregnant. They kept switching around my antidepressant which was making me even more crazy. The only solace that I had was in my reading, which I devoured at least one book a day. I could only take tylenol for the intense pain that I felt in my back and shoulders at night, because I was pregnant. Every night was torture, horribly painful, and I barely slept at all. I was delirious, mentally whacked out and contemplating suicide. I was contemplating causing pregnancy complications so that I could be rushed to the hospital. I always told myself, "if you can make it through this, girl you can make it through anything." And I made it. The day that they released me from there was the day the heavens opened up and bestowed their beautiful light upon me. After that experience, I promised myself I would never see the four walls of a jail cell again.


About six years prior to that experience,when I was 21 years old, I caught my first of two felony charges out in Glenwood Springs, Colorado. I had my xanax and ativan in the same prescription bottle and the cops found it after my boyfriend got pulled over for driving under the influence. For future reference, please note that that is a felony.It was an attempted possession charge. The other felony I caught was for giving a girl a klonopin of mine begause she was kicking dope and was very ill. That was a distibution charge. Amazing, I think. I ended up doing 5 months in Denver Women's Correctional Facility, an all-security prison in Denver. That was truly a horrific experience I would never relive again if you paid me one million dollars. But maybe for 2 million. I have also done jail time for various petty theft offenses. It always happened only when I drank. Good thing I quit drinking, huh? If you added up all of the times I have been incarcerated, it would probably add up to about 2 years!!!


   My life now is nothing like it was 5 years ago. I have been sober almost 9 months now, completely free from all drugs and alcohol. I have my beautiful 3 and a half year old son, Jayden, who I love and adore. I cherish ever day that goes by and I revel in life's beauty,trying not to take anything for granted. I embrace all that life has to offer and I appreciate freedom. I have opened the door to a whole new chapter in my life and when it comes to jail and prison, I say "NO MORE!!!!!"

NeedtoBreathe - Something Beautiful w/ lyrics

Thank You

   I am so inspired right now


   My heart beats strong like a drum


   My soul is trembling and tingling


   Everything is so vast and surreal


   I am lost in waves of desire, undulating and engulfing me


   My core is on fire


   I have never felt this intoxicated before


   In my heart, I'm already married


   I'm humbled, I'm down on my knees


   I am entranced and entangled in your web of compassion


   I hold these feelings in the abysmal depths of my heart


   Safe from my demons and fears


   So ever grateful am I for these emotions and I say "thank you"


   Thank you for capturing my very essence of being


   Thank you for igniting the fire within


   Thank you for making my heart jump and skip a beat


   Simply put, "thank you"

Communicating With The Dead

   I have had a few psychic experiences in my life, but hadn't really communicated with the dead until just recently. I just had a profound experience with someone who has died, my husband. This is a rather personal subjuct for me but I feel like with me putting this out there, I can possibly help someone else who has gone through a similar experience feel like they are not alone.


   Fred was a wonderful man whose life ended way too soon. He died of a cardiac arrest that was also drug related. He passed in November of 2010. I hadn't really been dealing with his death for the last year. I had been drinking off and on and just suppressing my emotions involving his death. For the last almost eight months, I have been sober and I have really been kind of forced to deal with it a lot more. I have felt Fred's presence off and on since he died, a little bit more over the past few months. I think it has been more since Jayden has been back here living with me. Jayden is both Fred and I's son.


   I had always been thinking things in my head but never saying them out loud. Well, a few days ago I really felt his presence in the room where Jayden and I were watching a movie. I thought to myself, "duh, maybe Fred doesn't hear what I'm thinking, but he might hear what I'm saying if I speak out loud. Maybe he would respond." So I said out loud, "Fred, if you are here, show me somehow. Give me a sign." Just after I said that, I felt a gentle wave of coolness pass through me, almost as if he walked right through me. What's even more eerie is that my son spoke of him. He said that he has played with him and that he was playing with him earlier that day. At night, my son sleeps in bed with me but on many a night, he has complained abou "cold covers" and then tries to pull the covers up from the bottom of the bed as though cover himself even more. Just recently, he has been going into Kenny's room to sleep and sometimes will move back and forth during the course of a night. I have always heard that when a spirit is close, it gets much colder. There have been a couple more intense and personal experiences following the ones I have just spoke of, and they have all left me with a feeling of peace. I also have a best friend who died just a month before Fred. Jayden has actually spoke of him before. I haven't really communicated with him though, I am nowhere near ready to deal with his death yet.


   Now I'm sure a lot of people reading this probably think that I'm "bat-shit crazy". All I can tell you is that these are some of the uncanny things that have honestly happened to me in my life. These experiences were not drawn from extremely potent acid trips, I have been completely sober. There is no doubt in my mind that the things that I saw and felt were real. The spirit world is as real as the sky is blue. Anyone out there who has had a similar experience understands. And if you have communicated with the dead, you are not alone. It is absolutely nothing to be ashamed or afraid of. From my experiences I draw strength, hope, faith and love.

Celibate For Life

   I find myself in a situation. I'm perfectly content with this situation, don't get me wrong. I have my beautiful and most amazing son back with me and I feel like I've died and gone to heaven. We both live with my best friend Kenny in a lovely cabin in the woods. What could be better? Jayden refers to Kenny as his daddy, for his real father passed away a little over a year ago. Jayden is supremely happy and completely content. So am I. I'm just sitting here, reflecting on the fact that I will probably be celibate for life, or at least until Jayden turns eighteen. The thought is a little disconcerting to me.


  You see, I wouldn't be able to bring another man into Jayden's life because Jayden already calls Kenny "daddy". And where on earth would I meet a man anyways, with me living all the way out in the middle of nowhere? Yes I do go into town to do shopping and attend A.A. meetings. Now let's just say that I met a nice man at an A.A. meeting or in the checkout line at the grocery store. What am I going to do, move him into the cabin? Have a "Two Men and a Baby " scenario? I think not. Hey, maybe I could move him into the storage shed outside. You see how this whole situation has me perturbed and perplexed?


   Now I'm not saying that I couldn't date. I suppose that is possible. So I guess I don't have to be celibate for the remainder of my life. But with dating, what can come of it? I surmise that I could be in a serious relationship that wouldn't be able to come into fruition until Jayden is an adult. I have fifteen more years. Will I still be attractive at age 45, or will I already be going downhill fast? These are thoughts that I really don't wish to entertain...


   So here it is. I've laid it all out on the table. I am insanely happy in the situation that I am in. I'm just banking on the fact that I will be celibate for life. I'm really not a sexually-driven person anyways. I would only settle for my soul-mate, nothing less. Maybe I could just become a nun, although I'm not Catholic. Anyhow, I guess I don't know what the future holds. Only time will tell...

High Intensity Interval Training--Why it Works

   I'm a health and fitness junkie. I am also an exercise fanatic. I exercise at least once a day, sometimes two. I want to tell you about a whole new way I've been exercising--high intensity interval training! It's an entirely different trip, I guess you could say. It's my new favorite thing in life, besides my son of course.


   I have an elliptical downstairs in the basement and I had been doing around 60-minutes of steady-paced cardio down there every day. Boring. Yes I had my music I was listening to, but still--boring. Now I am getting a better, more intense workout in half the time! I'm talking about HIIT, or high intensity interval training. I start out by stretching, of course, and warming up my muscles. Then I go straight into an interval. I'll run in place, do lunges, jumping squats, weights, crunches- anything that requires maximum exertion of either my muscles or my heart rate. I'll do that for about 40-60 seconds, then I'll go to steady-state cardio on my elliptical. After one minute of that, I go back into a 40-60 second interval. I switch back and forth like that for around 40 minutes. Then I'm finished. The secret is in the EPOC, or excess post-exercise oxygen consumption. HIIT increases the body's resting metabolic rate for anywhere from 24-48 hours post exercise and enhances the skeletal muscle fat oxidation, which basically means that you burn an insane amount of calories without having to do anything! The intervals completely exhaust your muscles of their stored energy, so your energy is coming from the burning of fat. HIIT improves maximal oxygen consumption (VO2-MAX) more effectively than doing traditional long aerobic workouts. Because HIIT is so intense and condense, it increases the length of time it takes your body to recover from each session. This type of exercise also causes metabolic adaptions that will enable you to use more fat as fuel under a variety of conditions. Doing regular steady-state cardio stimulates your aerobic energy system, where as intense cardio or strength-traing stimulates your anaerobic energy system. Anaerobic literally means "without oxygen", where aerobic means "with oxygen". To get the full benefits of HIIT, you need to push yourself past the upper end of your aerobic zone and then allow your body to replenish your anaerobic energy system during the recovery intervals.


  I know this all sounds a little technical and complex, but it's really very simple. This method of exercise training is superb for immediate fat-burning and weight-loss. I have seen results in only a short period of time since switching to this new form of exercise. And EPOC is only the immediate benefit that I'm experiencing. Over time, my body's ability to convert energy directly into muscles increases. Interval training will start convincing my body to "funnel" new energy into my muscles instead of my fat stores. It only gets better! I am excited about high intensity interval training.I  had always known about it, but I didn't quite know the logistics of it or just how effective it was at maximizing fat-burn. It has definitely made a believer out of me, and I hope by writing this, I can make a believer out of you too!

I Switched To The Electronic Cigarette And I Feel Great!!!!

   I did it! I finally quit smoking. I have replaced cigarettes with the newest form of smoking--the electronic cigarette!


   The first time I went to buy my electronic cigarette, I bought it at Sheetz, a local gas station. It was nice enough, but it had it's downfalls. A pack of cartriges cost $15 and lasted maybe for three days. At the end of the cartrige, my cigarette began to take on a burnt taste in my mouth, which was particularly unpleasant. It began to make me think twice about the e-cig. Then I heard about the vapor room in Frostburg, MD. I went up there and purchased the premium cigarette from the selection that they had. I purchased the "strawberries and cream" flavored liqued, and then the "vanilla cupcake" which is especially tasty. I was thoroughly satisfied with the service that I received there. The employees were extremely helpful and articulate. Their explanations and demonstrations left me feeling confident and at ease.


   The electronic cigarette contains no tar, carbon monoxide, or harmful toxins found in normal cigarettes. I will not be shortening my lifespan anymore. Now that's a plus! I actually smoke less as well. When I smoked regular cigarettes, I felt obligated to smoke the entire thing. The e-cig allows me to take a few puffs and put it away. Also, I save a lot of money. The average pack of cigarettes costs around $5. One vial of liquid used to fill my cartomizer costs $4 and it lasts about two weeks until it needs to be filled again. In addition, the electronic cigarette gives off no smoke. It only produces water vapor, so there are no harmful pollutants being released in the air. I can smoke pretty much anywhere I want, whenever I want. I can smoke in the house without having to worry about putting my son in danger. Now that makes me "breathe easier!'


   For anyone who is trying to quit smoking, I highly recommend the electronic cigarette. Switching to the e-cig has changed my life for the better. I am so delighted that I found this wonderful smoking alternative and I hope that by writing this, I can turn other people on to "vaping" instead of killing themselves with "cancer sticks."

Why Wicca Is My Way

   The choice to follow the path of spiritual enlightenment through Wicca was entirely my own. Wicca is a natural and practical aspect of my being. It meshes easily with the cycles of the universe. More importantly, it meshes well with me and the many facets of my personality.


   Far from the common belief of Satanists, practices of black magic, or worshippers of evil, Wiccans are a benign people who are closely attuned to nature. Their first and only commandment is to harm none. It is a celebration of the moon phases and of the seasons, the positive male aspects and the negative female aspects of nature, the Goddess and the God. This is a religion closely aligned with the sun and the moon, the oceans and the forests, the mountains and the shores. As children of the Goddess and the God, we are all equal. We all play intricate roles in the universal scheme of things.

   Instead of the ten commandments to guide us through life, we have only one: " An it harm none, do what thou wilt". This ever reminds us to be aware that every action that we take, every word we say and every thought that we think into fruition-- is similar to ripples in a pond. For every action there is a reaction. Wicca is an Earth religion, much like the Native American religion. Instead of worshipping within the confines of a building, we often hold our rituals outdoors in nature. We don't believe in Hell, the Devil, or "fire and brimstone". We do believe that evil exists in the world, but that humankind creates it's own evil and that such horrors are handled through the laws of "karma" and the lessons that reincarnation brings. We believe in the Threefold Law, meaning that everything you do, good or bad, comes back to you times three.


   I am a Solitary Wiccan. I don't belong to a coven, I practice alone. It is very rare that I find someone who shares my affinity for Wicca. Thus, I am very reclusive when it comes to my spiritual practices. I have my own portable altar which allows me to practice anywhere, anytime. I call upon the north, south, east and west. I call upon the elements of earth, air, fire, water and spirit. I call upon the Goddess and God and thank them for my many blessings. I practice when I am alone and feeling at peace with myself and one with the universe. Practicing the Craft helps keep me grounded and centered.


   In conclusion, Wicca is a religion of compassion and utmost mindfulness. The craft is generous, accepting and loving. It is unobtrusive, supportive and gentle. It is an ethical way of life that, once embraced, brings immeasurable joy and wonder to my everyday living.

Welcome To Salvation

   Raindrops of redemption soak me to the core

   Let my fears wash away in the pool of my trangressions

   My life is a menagerie of colorful images

   The day filters through with it's illuminous illustrations

   I keep my eyes unprejudiced and my mind wide open

   Empathy is my remedy

   Let the angels of mercy come down--

   Let them wrap their wings of reconcilliation around me

   The clouds are finally clearing

   Peace of mind is setting in

   The worst is over now, I can live again

   I want to be weightless and free

   I'm swimming in a pool of possibilities

   I'm embraced with overtures of opportunity

   I marvel at the delicate dusk

   The magic, the splendor, the awe

   Please don't destroy my delicate daydream

   I'm returning to innocence

   My spirituality is strong, cannot be ruptured

   Welcome to salvation

I Don't Step On The Scale Anymore

   I have issues with my body image, no doubt about that. I have had issues for a long time, since I was about twelve years old. Stepping on the scale for me can be a very formidable thing. If the number that appears before me is higher than I want it to be, I will berate and belittle myself all day and possibly result to drastic measures to lose weight. And of course the number will always be a little higher than I want it to be. So why not spare myself the drama?


   I have been getting much better with managing my quasi body dysmorphia and disordered eating. Like being an alcoholic, I will always be an alcoholic even if I am not an active one. So I will always have an eating disorder even if it is inactive for the rest of my life. Anyways, I wake up and eat a very healthy breakfast every morning. I get on my eliptical and do at least four miles, for about an hour every day. I eat fruit for the rest of the day, if I'm hungry.(okay, maybe that's not normal but let's move on...). I also take vitamins, supplements, and amino acids every morning. I am learning to love and appreciate my body type. I am a mesomorph, a naturally muscular build. That has been very difficult for me to accept for a very long time. It's most assuredly a daily struggle, but the rewards are well worth it.


   Stepping on the scale to see how much I weigh seems pointless to me. I am then judging myself according to a number. If I feel healthy, am living a healthy lifestyle, and fit well in my clothes, then I must be doing something right. A number on a scale doesn't own me or represent who I am as a human being. Aside from scales and weight and body image, I am a pretty spectacular person. I'm very opportunistic about this phase of my spiritual development. Someday I will look back at these obstacles that I am crossing and smile with pride knowing that I have crossed them. In the meantime, I am not going to jeapordize my progress. Therefore, I do not step on the scale anymore.

Making Amends

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   Amends aren't something to make once and then be forgotten. There will be amends that you will have to make for the rest of your life. Every time that you speak unkind words or do something to hurt someone, amends are in order. In constantly being aware of when amends have to be made and following through with making them, we have a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of our spiritual condition.

   Recently, I had been working on amends to clear away the wreckage of my past. I have approached as many people whom I have harmed that I can remember, as long as when to do so wouldn't injure them, myself, or others. It has surely been a struggle, but for the most part, the results have been rewarding and well worth it. Some people though were not ready to accept my apologies, which was to be expected. People are not always willing to forgive and forget when you want them to. I know that my behavior, especially my drug and alcohol abuse, has affected more people than just myself. I have invoked worry, heartache, and pain in all those who loved and cared for me. But all that I can do is clean my side of the street. I can't control other people, but at least I can feel at peace with having cleared away my debris.


   Although I am nowhere near done when it comes to making amends. I am an imperfect creature and therefore make mistakes on a daily basis. We can't let our pride and ego get in the way of making amends. We all want things to go our way and we always want to be right. I continually find that I have to swallow my pride and deflate my ego when amends need to be made. No one is above having to "make right" their wrongs. In making amends on a daily basis, I have learned a lot about myself and about my character defects. I have recognised patterns in my behavior and been able to identify core problems.


   If we are meticulous and thorough about this aspect of our growth as a human being, then we will be filled with amazement and wonder. Our lives will change before our very eyes-- for the better! If we make amends when our heart tells us it's the right thing to do, we will feel so much more liberated. We will be trudging the road to happy destiny...

Collide With Me

   I can't get you out of my head
   though I haven't even met you yet
   Destiny is calling me
   I'm treading water in your ocean
   Your tide sweeps over me
   Where are you, my mysterious horseman?
   I'm trudging through the trenches deep
   I want to feel your sunlight penetrate into my pores
   Possess me, consume me
   Collide with me
   Serenade me with your symphony
   Where have you been?
   Camouflaged in the canva of my life
   Do I deserve another half to complete my whole?
   I'm still human and flawed
   Let my fears wash away in the pool of my transgressions
   Take my hand, mysterious man
   Possess me, consume me
   Collide with me

I Seek Release

   Let the sweat pour down and wash over me
   In the deafening dawn
   I strive for a gentle reprieve
   My thoughts, in disarray, are seeping through the vaccum filter of my mind
   I cry out in dismay
   I'm seeking solace from my mental imprisonment
   Inklings of venom slither onto the embankment of my consciousness
   I'm testing and tearing at the seams of reality
   I'm ready to surrender to perceptions of serenity
   Let my frantic fanatics dissolve into the bitter sea
   A sweet symphony
   I yearn to break out of the confines of my confusion
   I've wept tears of acid rain
   I've knealt before Kwan Yin
   Absolve me from my sins
   I'm enmeshed in a sea of faces--
   My disturbed entanglement
   Is it possible?
   Could there be a release?

I've Won This Fight

   A little piece of me
   I's amazing to see
   how this beautiful boy
   emulates me


   Right from the start
   he captured my heart
   No matter how far away
   we will never be apart


   My love- a prism of light
   in the undulating sea of time
   I will never forget or lose sight
   of this precious love of mine


   His beauty is limitless
   He amazes and intrigues me
   Day in and day out
   he opens my eyes and shows me how to see


   I have him now
   I'm stepping out into the light
   No longer am I bruised and broken
   I'm holding on tight---
   I've won this fight...