Resentment

   Resentment. Such an ugly word. Holding resentments against someone is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person dies. It is a spiritual sickness that doesn't affect others at all, it will only eat at you and keep you sick.


   We all have had people in our lives who have been vendictive and vengeful, people that have nothing better to do with their time than to try to hurt you or "get even" with you. Yes, it's a sad phenomena. We have all had ex boyfriends, ex bosses, coworkers, friends and others who seem to  hold the title "king or queen of resentment". I just recently had to deal with an ex boyfriend who was as venemous and hateful as ever. I had broke up with him, had his phone which I was using returned to him along with a note explaining that I need to change people, places, and things and I wish the best for him in his life and will always love him. I didn't find it prudent to speak to him face to face, as he is a "tad bit" emotionally unstable and very unpredictable. Also, I had spoke to him on the phone about the fact that I really do not need a relationship in my life right now as I am sick as well and need to work on myself. I certainly do not need an unhealthy relationship to add to my own problems and struggles.


   Well the underlying emotion that he felt was hurt, which I fully understand. We can't please everybody all the time in this life and sometimes I need to take care of myself first. But he masked his emotional pain with anger and began a diabolic mission to try to ruin me. He posted nasty things on my facebook page. He hacked into my facebook account as me and posted things that were just thoughtless and uncharacteristic of me. He began sending me cruel texts, insulting my intelligence, my son, my hepatitis-c, my family...the list goes on. Now what kind of person stoops to that level and how am I to respond to such things?


   Well, all that I can do is pray for him, for he is spiritually sick. Simply put. Some people feed off of their own anger and negativity. To wallow in such things is absolutely no way to live. I have prayed for him often, praying that he will someday find serenity and inner peace. It is always best to take the high road in any situation involving resentment. Resentment is such a waste of time and energy.


   We all have to deal with the stresses of negative people in our lives, but it is how we choose to deal with it that really matters. We don't have to let their negative energy engulf and destroy us. We can choose to live a peaceful existence--- in mind, body, and spirit. What's true in our minds and hearts is true, we create our own destiny-- a destiny free of resentments. As far as we know, we only have this one lifetime, and life is too short to wallow in misery, spite, self-pity, and darkness.

Seeing Butterflies

   A lot has been going on with me over these past couple of months. I am fighting to get my son back with me, I put myself through rehab, have been going to meetings daily, and have been working the twelve steps with my sponsor. I have been chewed up, spit out, knocked down, and picked myself back up again.

   But one thing is for sure, I haven't lost my faith. If anything, my faith has grown and strengthened immensely since the last time you have heard from me. Now I am not a religious fanatic or a bible-thumper, but I am a deeply spiritual person.I believe in the power of nature, the Great Spirit, and the celebration of seasons. I believe that what we call god is an undeniable force of pure love and encompases all world religions and prophets.

   While I was in rehab, I began praying and asking god to show him/herself to me in my life. I was graced with prophetic and profound dreams, overwhelming feelings of peace and communion, enlightening experiences in and of nature, and many many butterflies! Now if you know anything about me, you know that I love butterflies. I believe them to be a symbol of freedom, of metamorphosis, and beauty. God knows this too. I can't tell you how many times that god has put butterflies in my path in these last couple of months!

   Just yesterday, I was feeling very stressed out over my upcoming court date involving my son. It is coming up very soon, next Friday to be exact.I was taking a walk down a dirt path, all the while worrying and stressing out.All of a sudden I was surrounded by butterflies all around me,their beautiful intricately designed wings and vibrant colors fluttering. I was overcome with feelings of excitement and inpiration, but most of all, I was overtaken by feelings of comfort and hope. God was with me and was telling me not to be discouraged, that everything will be okay.

   There is something that we human beings must realize in life, and that is that we cannot control everything . We just cannot "play god". We are only mortal, it is god that has all power. I am learning that I have to let go absolutely and simply "give it to god". All that I can do is the next right thing, and know that if I do, then god "has my back". There is no denying this. From personal experience, I know that if you truly seek god, he/she will begin to become apparent in your life.

   Maybe god will send you beautiful butterflies. Maybe it will be something different, something deeply meaningful and a source of inspiration for you. All I know is that I have no fear now. I will walk in the sunlight. I will walk through the greener pasture and vast mountainsides. And I will walk with my god-given butterflies...

How To Deal With Grief

   " The boundaries that divide life from death are shadowy and vague at best. Who shall say where one ends and the other begins?" ---Edgar Allen Poe

   Death is hard and I have been personally faced with it within the last 365 days. They have all been traumatic, some times one more than the other, but they have all hit home.

   The worst thing that one can do is to try to cling to something that is gone, or try to recreate it. These people that we miss still live actively in our hearts, souls, and minds... but are just not on this physical plane with us anymore. We must acknowledge that...

   Although we don't live in a world of mere reality, we can create our own reality. We live in a world of perceptions, where what's true in our minds is true!!! We can create our own reality, and if that exists with our deceased loved one contacting us directly or indirectly on a daily basis, then so be it!

   If there are resentments that we harbor, to forgive is the highest most beautiful form of love. And I promise you that in return, you will receive pure, untold peace and happiness. I promise this to you, and I promise that it can only get better... Hate is not overcome by hate. By only LOVE is hate suppressed. That is an eternal law...

   Perhaps our loved ones are not stars, but openings in "heaven" where the love our lost ones flow and pour through freely, and shine down upon us to let us know that they are happy.

   So is grief hard to handle? I would say "yes", but if you take heed to some of my helpful advice, it will become easier. It has for me. It has only been under a year for me, just think of how I will have evolved in a couple years or so from now?? It can only get better...

Into The Land Of The True

   I unveil the delicate curtain into the land of the real

   Where we are true to purely shine, where we aren't afraid to feel

   Where we are able to open up and cry

   To relax and keep it true under illuminating blue skies

   I want to feel happy I desire to SHINE

   I can reach the next level, I can touch the divine

   Clear my mental realm, I want to start all over again

   Like a newborn child, so pure and content

   It's time to be reborn and vulnerable, like everything is NEW

   Lets be the chosen children, we can be one of  the few

    So take my hand into the land of the true

   Watch your dreams become your reality

   Melt into Mother Nature, blend into the sky so blue

   Behold--The unfathomable land of purity, love, and truth...

  

   So take my hand into the land of the true

    Watch your dreams become your reality

   Melt into Mother Nature, blend into the sky so blue

   Behold--The unfathomable land of the true...

   So take my hand into the land of the true

   Watch your dreams become your reality

   Melt into Mother Nature, blend into the sky so blue


   Behold-- The unfathomable land of the true...

Under Hazy Eyes...

   Under hazy eyes, I see the sun

   I feel the burning heat and I feel as ONE

   I know that in essence we are born pure

   We get lost in this mechanical world, where evil does lurk

    Under hazy eyes, I see the radiating, undulating rays of the sun

   I feel that we are each a ray, coming out of our god, the sun

   We are on a hazy journey, but in the end, salvation will come

   The emptiness and loneliness will slip away

   We will be happy to be reunited with another sunny day

   Under hazy eyes, I can lose all of my fears

   And know that someday my eyes will become clear...

You Can't Choose Who You Love...

   I can't help who we love, we all can't. The cycle of love can be vicious, repetitive, unwanted, and more...

   I just recently left a boyfriend of almost a year, and it seems like we are together again. I hate him for it, but he holds a place in my heart that can not and never will be replaced.

   Have you ever heard the saying " let a bird fly free, and if it comes back, it was meant to be"? Well that seems to be the case with Bryan and I. I love him and that love in my heart truly stands the test of time. I can't explain love and the powerful grip it holds on us. I can just speak from personal experience...

   Love is grand, love is real---love can take your breath away. I am a sucker for true love, and I always will be. Love is a force that joins us all...it is as real as the day is long. Instead of running from it, I will gratgefully embrace it...

Is A.A. and N.A. a Cult?

   Is Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous a cult? Well, there are so many mixed views. I, for one, have not yet decided my position on this matter in question...

   In both congregations they say that you need to surrender to a higher power, a "god of your understanding". Although in  A.A., they recite the Lord's Prayer, which is a Christian-based prayer. A little hypocritical, don't you think? Now in N.A., they just recite the Serenity Prayer at the end. I have no problem with that. I am not overly excited about organized religions---although I am a devoutly and open-minded spiritual individual.

   I have recently been trying to do "90 in 90", an expression that means ninety meetings in ninety days. I am attempting this because I think it is the right thing to do, seeing as I have problems with chemical dependency and all other attempts have failed. I do have social anxiety though, which has made it circumstantially harder for me than most. However, I keep going and try to become a stronger person as a result of it.

    The A.A. crowd seems to be more "old-school" and a little self-righteous, while the N.A. crowd tends to be more open and younger. I consider myself to be an addict and an alcoholic, so I have been attending both sects.

   I still don't know how I feel about these meetings as a whole. They do read off of the same pamphlets which are passed out at every meeting, almost as though drilling it into one's head. It kind of reminds me of a Catholic mass. On the other hand, there is strength in numbers, and it does help to hear other people's stories and have their unquestioned and unconditional support.

   So are these fellowships a hoax? A cult? I would have to say I am "on the fence" on this issue. Maybe if I continue attending these meetings, I will get a better grasp on my own personal opinions. But as of now, I will just keep "making meetings" because hey, "meeting makers make it"...