Having a Mental Disorder---What is it Like to Be "Normal"???

   Everyone has their ups and downs, good days and bad days, experience the normal stress of everyday life. We all like to have a good cry now and then and there are times when we all feel lonely.
   But some people have it a little harder than that. For some, it is a battle to go to the grocery market or walk down the street, go to a job, even answer the phone. Some people have panic attacks, hear voices that are not real, are so depressed that they cannot even get out of bed. For some people it gets so hard to live that they try to take their own life and many times succeed... Some of us are obsessive over washing their hands, many times so compulsively that they bleed. Some people become so manic that they stay up for days feeling compelled to work on various projects, many times frantically moving from one to the other without ever finishing any of them.
    I come from a place of experience on this matter, as I was diagnosed with depression and began psychotropic medication by age twelve. Since then, I have been diagnosed with everything from bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, bulimia, anorexia, and depression. I have been placed on so many medications, more than I can even count. Trying to cope with these disorders and everyday life has been a struggle for me. Some years have been easier than others, but it has definitely been an uphill battle.
   There needs to be more awareness on the issue of mental disorders, I am just trying to bring this poignant issue ti light. There are probably more people suffering from some form of a mental disorder than you know. It is not like a cancer patient where you can see that they are going through chemotherapy because they lose their hair. This is something that cannot be seen just by looking at a person. And many people affected by a mental disorder can handle themselves pretty well in public. Hey, Robin Williams is bipolar and he uses it to his advantage. Look at some of his comedy skits and you can see how manic he is!
    So for those of you whom are not affected by a mental disorder, consider yourselves lucky! But just be aware that many of those around you may be troubled in some form or another. Most of the time, these disorders are genetic, some of them aren't that intense or disruptive to one's daily life.
   I just wanted to promote awareness on this issue, as I believe everyone should just be informed and aware. if you know someone who is suffering and not being treated, encourage them to seek out help. Support is available. Therapy and medication can be very effective at treating these disorders. And for anyone suffering who doesn't feel "normal", don't worry, no one is really "normal" out there... What is "normal", anyway???

What is Being "In Love" Supposed To Be Like?

   I can't explain exactly what being in love is supposed to be like, but I can tell you what it is not. I can also tell you what being in love means to me...
   I spent most all of my childhood living with two parents who were most certainly not in love. They stayed together for the wrong reasons, and I personally believe that they originally got together for the wrong reasons as well. My mother didn't have a father around, and when he was still around when she was still very young, she saw a man who was not responsible as a husband or as a father. So she saw in my father a sense of responsibility and a sense of dedication to his family. My father has always been a fairly superficial man and what he saw in her was a physically attractive woman. They also met while working in the same mental hospital and were both pursuing further education in mental health, so they saw a compatibility there. My father also thought that it was his "duty" as a man to marry and procreate. His mother, my grandmother was a sweetheart and he knew that she would be happy if he married and gave her grandchildren.
   When my mother began to gain some weight, my father would ridicule her and make her feel less than adequate. My mother began to see a man whose arrogance and cockiness began to quickly outweigh the good qualities that she had originally married for. My father's constant disparagement of my mother's weight only caused her to gain more weight, and soon after that, he told her that he was no longer in love with her anymore. My mother had long since been harboring feelings of love, reverence, or compassion for him, and neither of them truly respected one another.
   Now this would have been a good time for them to peacefully (or unpeacefully) part ways, but they did not. They decided to stay together "for the kids" not realizing (or not wanting to realize) that this was doing more harm than good. I believe that it is better for parents to separate if they are no longer in love, especially if they hold ill feelings and contempt for one another. Children can sense these things and it is not conducive to a child's overall stability for them to be led to believe that this is what love is supposed to be like, or that this is how you are supposed to treat your future significant other. They also decided to stay together for the financial stability. Actually, they would have been perfectly stable financially if they would have split, but their incomes combined allowed them to live an economically luxurious life. Then of course, since they were well-known in their professional circles in the community as being good upstanding citizens, they did not want their reputations (which they placed much emphasis on) to be even the slightest bit "tainted".
   I spoke in great detail about my parents, because I knew them personally as people very well. There are many other reasons why people get or stay together. Some other reasons may be that one's family may really like their child's love interest, they may be feeling pressured to "settle down", they may see a potential new "mommy or daddy" for their child, they don't want to end up forever alone, they only feel like "half a person" by themselves and need to be with someone else to help make them feel whole, they think that the other person is very physically attractive and may think that someone that good-looking may never come around again, this man or woman has lots of money and showers them with expensive gifts, this other man or woman is insecure and they feel like they can break them down and form them into whomever you want, this man or woman is a people-pleaser and will do whatever the other wants, this man or woman has a hefty life insurance policy, and various other reasons that didn't come to mind.  
   So all of my life I have been a hopeless romantic because I saw absolutely no love and romance between my parents. I am in no way superficial and money means nothing to me. Of course there always needs to be some sort of physical attraction there, but I do not care if the man I am in love with is what society would consider "gorgeous" and I certainly don't judge anyone based on their looks or have any physical standards that my man must live up to. What is important to me, is that we both have a sense of empathy for each other, that we never place judgment on each other, and we encourage each other instead of bring each other down. When we are around one another, we feel comfortable and "at home". We help to inspire one another to be the best person that we can be and we feel inspired ourselves to be a better person for one another. We don't feel hindered or stifled by each other. We can cry with each other as easily that we can laugh with each other. We ignite passion within each other, romantic passion, but also a passion to live every day to the fullest and truly appreciate every moment that we have not only together, but every moment that we are alive in general.     For the first time in my life, I really believe that this is "it", I am not in any way "settling" for anything. I believe in my deepest of hearts, that I have finally found the "ONE". And neither of us were even searching, it just happened. You must be content within yourself before you will ever be any good for anyone else. I know that this man makes me genuinely happy, and I think it's safe to say that I do the same thing for him. I believe that when you are truly in love, you will just "know it" There is no mistaking that feeling, and it is one of the best feelings in the world...

The Return To Innocence

   We can learn a lot from small children and animals, for they are still "new" pure, completely trusting, vulnerable, and unscathed... holding no judgements... The world that they so trustingly perceive is REAL, their eyes "new", filled with awe and wonder. Small children and animals appreciate things to the fullest, taking nothing for granted. These souls find pleasure in the simplest of things, never over-analyzing or "guarded".
   We are ALL little children, innocent souls, underneath our walls of protection that we build, stemming from our fears, insecurities, and vices. Once we are able to reveal our internal threats, faults, and vulnerabilities to another soul, our self-constructed walls begin to collapse and thus we are able to finally CONNECT. It is only then that we can we form true bonds with another soul.
   Everyone wants to be loved and be able to give love freely. Again, it is only fear that hinders us, for no one wants to be hurt, rejected, or abandoned. Although in order for us to truly get close to another soul, it is a risk that everyone must eventually take.
   As a small child, we will without a doubt, experience the pain and the harsh coldness that the world is so plentifully permeated with. In turn, we learn to construct walls with the purpose of protecting ourselves... a "thick skin", if you will... At some point in our lives though, we come to the realization that we have been living a life that is a "lie", living in disguise...
   It is then that we must begin the process of breaking down those self-built walls, thus uncovering the child that has been hidden deep inside. This child is the TRUE YOU, the inner child that has been there all along, timid but REAL...This process is referred to as the "return to innocence".
   This journey may begin early in a soul's lifetime, later on, or even in the next lifetime. Each journey is as unique as each soul. It is most certainly a struggle. Each individual human soul is different and evolves at it's own pace.
   So we can definitely learn a lot from small children and animals, for these innocent creatures are filled with imagination, love, compassion, and inspiration beyond belief. We ALL originally came from innocence, from the raw simplicity of our Mother Earth. We all must return to this child- like purity, returning to the ways of our birth.
   Once we reach out and take the hand of our inner child, we are well on our way.to the essential "return to innocence"...

Is It Wrong To Be Gay???

   Is it "wrong" to be a homosexual? Well in my humble opinion...of course not!!!!  I have had many close friends in my lifetime who have been homosexual or at least bisexual. Now I'm not saying that some kids and young adults don't choose this way of life out of rebellion or some form of inner family pain or deep-seated demon.That does rarely happen, but for the most part, the majority of homosexuals are showing signs of homosexuality by the age of four...

   Being gay is not something that is tolerated yet in most parts of this country, especially in less diversely populated towns. People who can FINALLY admit to others that they are gay or bisexual is a terrifying journey that these brave souls have agreed to take. Hiding something like that may seem like some dirty secret"... But it"s NOT!!!

    Being gay to me, is the same as being obese, African -American, Hindu, Buddhist, a female, or living in a different culture which we Americans aren't used to...People fear what they don't understand... Sad but true...


I really don't believe that an individual chooses to be gay, just as much as an individual chooses to be dirt poor, be of a different ethnicity, be a Jew, a Muslim, or so on. No young boy or girl makes the conscious decision to be ridiculed and made fun of for at the least their whole middle-school and high-school career...

We Americans have for the most part gotten over slavery, women's rights and more. The next thing that needs to be overcome is the acceptance of gays, gay rights, gay marriage, etc. After we conquer this pertinent issue, you know it will be something else... it always is...


  My best friend throughout middle school and high school  was flaming gay. He was ridiculed a lot and that burned me up inside. I know that he was not gay by choice. He didn't  like the repricussions of how difficult it made his life for him in so many ways. He died this last Sept. 3rd, 2010. Why he died was attributed to a culmination of various factors. I don't want to get into anymore detailed information about it, but I can tell you that his being gay definitely played a part in his mental state when this all went down.


    Being gay is not a curse,,,if anything, it is a blessing. It teaches tolerance, acceptance, and LOVE... Never be ashamed of who you innately are, as long as you are a genuinely good person...

Rest in Peace Bradley William Beachy, age 28... I love you...

Blind Melon Change

Humble Yourself

   Arrogance is such an ugly personality trait to possess. When people come off as arrogant, cocky, condescending, and the like, there is usually a deep-seated insecurity that lies beneath. When one has to make an effort to show others that they are superior, the "superiority is usually a carefully laid out facade.

   Humble, modest---do these words mean anything to anyone anymore? Or did they become extinct when society started teaching us that our sense of worth is how many degrees we have on our wall or how many figures make up our yearly salary???

  To be truly wise is to know that you know nothing at all. To be truly wise is to always be open to new ideas, doctrines, and philosophies, and to always be learning new things with the eyes of a newborn child and with a mind as open as the vast plains...

   Instead of the common term " ignorance is bliss", rather I believe that innocence is bliss. To be able to live innocently does not parallel immaturity or naivety. To be able to exist with an aura of innocence actually requires some intelligence.

   When someone gets set in their ways and has closed off their mind to new possibilities and alternative ways of thinking and living, that is when their spiritual growth is stunted. They are just treading water but not swimming...

   To be humble and modest is to never let your pride or ego get in the way. Life is not a competition against others!!! If anything, life is a competition against yourself---to be able to challenge and push yourself towards goals conductive to being a better human being, always able to admit your faults and shortcomings---now THAT takes a genuinely strong person. No one likes to admit when they are wrong, but to be able to reflectively look at one's self  is a quality that is imperative to possess in order for one's soul to grow.

   Beauty has absolutely nothing to do with what you look like on the outside. True beauty has everything to do with how you are on the inside. You can be a stunningly gorgeous person on the outside, but you can be so ugly if you are rotting on the inside...

  Now people, I know that we all have been brainwashed in this man-created society, but we have our OWN minds, we can create our OWN reality. The media doesn't have to dictate our values, how we choose to live, and who we are as a person. We have our own minds, and we are intelligent and intuitive enough to know what is REALLY important. Not how many degrees we have, how many words we know, how many cars are in our garage, and so on and so on. What is REALLY important is what kind of person we are, more descriptively, how kind, compassionate, forgiving, empathetic, open-minded, non-judgemental, supportive, encouraging, and passionate we are.

   Life can be over in the blink of an eye if you're always wallowing in your misery or striving to get to the "top". We need to live in the moment, the only thing that exists is the here and now. Soon this exact moment will be just a memory. We may not think much of it now, but after a good amount of time goes by, we will look back on our "past" with a sense of nostalgia... Then we will wish that we appreciated the moment when it was actually here!!!

   The only thing that we need to know is that we know nothing. The meaning of life is to give life meaning. Stay humble, modest, and true... Stay simple.... Simplicity is the closest thing to heaven... Don't compromise your soul for anything or anybody... You are a beautiful innocent child, who always wants to learn, grow, and embrace change.

   Instead of being prudent, live and exist in the day, in the here and now. This very moment will never come again so appreciate every drop of it while it's here. Say what you need to say, do what your HEART(not mind) tells you to do, and stay everlastingly humble. Keep an open mind and an open heart always, and true happiness is sure to be yours...

Organized Religion???

I have many strong views on organized religion, and have been developing them over a span of many years. I believe that the creation of organized religion stems from different forms of fear. Many people fear death and the possibility that their souls will cease to exist. Many people feel safe when they belong to something bigger than themselves, they are afraid to leave their "comfort zone" and think for themselves. Many children are brought up to learn the doctrine of an organized religion and are taught that "this way is the right way" and that any other path should be frowned upon, even despised.
People fear what they don't understand. Ignorance can really be arrogance in disguise.
People would rather feel safe in their own little worlds than to be an independent thinker and question the things that we were taught, almost brainwashed in a sense.
Many of these sets of "rules", like the ten commandments, were created by man to generate fear in societies, to enforce some kind of control over large groups of people.
Now don't get me wrong, I believe that these prophets, these beautiful souls like Jesus, Siddhartha Gautama (the Buddha), Mohammed, Khrishna, Moses, even Gandhi, Mother Theresa, John Lennon and Bob Marley, and so on, did exist and were put down on this earth in different geographical places of this world, to pretty much teach the same moral principles and give insight on how we should improve our lives.
And I believe that they pretty much taught the same things:
1) To treat others like you would want to be treated
2) To be able to give love to those who give you hate and negativity
3) To be able to find the beauty in life and in people
4) To be honest, never cheat or steal, never conduct violence, etc.
5) To be able to find your own "heaven" here on earth
6) Generally, to just be a good person
I don't believe that god favors one prophet against another. I believe that god (however we see him or her to be) encompasses all of these prophets and religions, just as we need to embrace and accept every race, creed, and color of a human being.
THERE IS ONLY ONE RACE---THE HUMAN RACE...
When we can open our eyes and look outside of only what we were taught, we will discover that these relions have more similarities than differences.
I consider myself to be very SPIRITUAL, just not RELIGIOUS. I have studies pretty much every religion, culture, and doctrine of beliefs, and from all of them I have derived information that feels true and "right" for me.
And everyones spirituality should be unique, as each personality and soul is unique. We have minds, lets use them to their full potential. We have eyes, lets really open them.
We don't need to fit under any stereotype or generalization. We don't need to limit ourselves to fitting under a title of an organized religion.
Furthermore, I don't believe that you should FEAR your "god", and I don't believe that any LOVING god would condemn a soul to hell. Not only do I think that each soul has the right to be given a chance to better themselves in this lifetime, but also in the next.
I am a firm believer in karma, and what goes around comes around--cause and effect...
We don't need to generate anger to those who have done wrong. There are always predisposing factors as to why people do the things that they do. There is a karmic code, an ebb and flow that is definitally on a divine and spiritual realm.
We are such hypocrites when we are prejudice and feel hate for another religion that is not our own. All religions profess to love thy neighbor and do not judge, lest you will be judged.
"An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind"....-Gandhi
I may not know much, I just know that my spirituality is uniquely mine. And I know that GOD IS LOVE.
I take the good that I have learned from all of the doctrines, and I discard the bad.
We humans are all connected with a common bond---we all want to achieve happiness and feel loved and be able to give love...
All that I'm saying is open your minds a little...Think for yourself...
Just as you are an individual, uniquely beautiful in your own personal ways, so should your spirituality be individualized and uniquely yours...
Whatever spiritual path that you may decide to take, just make sure that there is no contradictions or hypocrisy, that you have no doubts or feel hindered in any way.
Whatever patch that you take--in ANY aspect of your life--Just make sure that it feels "right" to you and that you are genuinely happy...

A Better Life Is Waiting...

Rising up from the slums, from the bowels of humanity-
I'm fighting for my sanity
I'm feeling and I'm healing, my senses are reeling-
My life--the system's been steeling
But it's time to move forward, for the joke's on me-
I need to open my eyes so that I can finally see-
That this degenerate life is not for me,
I must try to bring forth my abilities
I could have been dead so many times before
I need not dwell in the depths of hell anymore-
I must settle the score...
With unhindered motivation, I will move forward into the land of the free
It exists over an unseen horizon, where a better life is waiting
For you and for me---For all of humanity...

A New Year...

    A new year, not for to succeed monetarily or in social stature, but spiritually. I don't mean become a born-again Christian or read the Koran daily... By "spiritually", I mean by bettering our souls. We are not going to take our acquired money or status with us when we perish, I'm sorry to break it to you... Yes, New Year's Eve is epically known for becoming sloppy drunk and making a foxhole New Year's Eve resolution.... But my children, New Year's Eve is so much more than that!!!
   "Just as a moment has an end, so it must have a beginning and a middle. Also the beginning, middle, and end are to be analyzed like A MOMENT!!!!" - Nagarjuna
   Do not look at this coming year as another 365 days, honey. Each day is such a blessing, we are not promised any more than that. Any human being can pass into the next heavenly realm at any time, we need not take any moment for granted, and that is the TRUTH!!!

   Life is so much more than what can be seen by the naked eye. Life is sublime, parapsychological, beyond what us humans can see, taste, touch, or feel. This new year is not about predicting what will happen with the Dow Jones or about who will become our new presidential leader. Nor does it have anything to do with our economic status or how many college degrees we have posted on our walls...
   When we generate anger, ninety percent of the ugliness of the object of our anger is due to our own exaggeration... In my belief, anger is a secondary emotion, it is a facade. Behind all anger is fear or deep-set emotional pain.
   Being a philosophy apprentice since at least age seventeen, I believe that in order to attain enlightenment and thus perfect the soul, we have certain obstacles that we must overcome. ONE, we must be able to give unconditional love to those who give us hatred and negativity. TWO, we must be able to treat others as we would want to be treated. And THREE, we must be able to make our own "heaven" here on earth. I am fully aware that the world can be very harsh and cold. It takes a highly spiritual soul to be able to break these preconceived borders and to make our OWN PARADISE, in the midst of all the chaos and cruelty.
   So to all of you die-hard New Year's Eve party people, enjoy your alcohol, enjoy the closest person that you can kiss when the ball drops, yada-yada... Whatever makes you feel better...
   But to me, the new year is a time to realize what is really important in life. You will not be taking your money, assets, or newly achieved "status" with you when you die, and tomorrow is a hope, not a promise. What you will be taking with you is YOUR SOUL. No need to have your coffin lined in gold or be buried with an obscenely expensive diamond necklace. Our bodies that are buried six feet under are not us. Our bodies are only our "soul-covering, our lifetime "shell'.
  The only thing we are taking with us to the next realm is our SOUL. That is what we should be working to perfect in this lifetime. That is the only thing that really means anything in this messed up world. So..."may all acquaintance be forgot",So on and so forth... . Happy YOU YEAR'S, my fellow human beings!!!!