Old Crow Medicine Show - Wagon Wheel [Official Music Video]

The Best Christmas Present Ever

   Last Christmas was a very sad one for me, and I had many sad ones before that as well. I wasn't completely alone, I had my boyfriend at the time, but I didn't feel whole. I am not very close with my family and I can't even remember the last time that I spent it with them. Last Christmas was especially sad though because I didn't have my baby boy with me.


   For the past year and a half, I have not had my son living with me. He has been staying with a good friend's family and I got to see him a few times a week, but it was just not the same. It's a long and complicated story of how Social Services got involved in the first place, but let's just say that my struggle with drugs and alcohol were to blame. It was very hard to see my son Jayden, watch him grow older, and know that I wasn't there to get the full experience of his development. It was also so very hard for me to see him for a few hours and then have to say goodbye. The guilt and the shame I felt were unbearable. I felt like such a horrible mother.


   In the beginning of losing him, I was really struggling. I got better with time. But I still couldn't stop drinking and using completely. I still had the thought "well, no one will know", or "I'm by myself, I'm not hurting anyone". I went to a rehab and ended up getting kicked out of there for use. That's when I really got scared. Time was running out, and Social Services was looking to close the case. So I started frantically trying to find another rehab. I ended up finding one around Annapolis and I put myself in there. I ended up doing very well there and gradated the day of my next court hearing. Unfortunately with all my last minute efforts, it still wasn't looking favorable for me. Social Services was looking to terminate my parental rights. In the hallway before court, the lady who was keeping my son told me that they were looking to adopt Jayden and she would only let me see him four times a year!!! Can you believe that? WOW, that's all I have to say.


   Well I was devastated. I thought it was all over for me. But god was in the courtroom that day. When we got before the judge, he said that we were going to postpone the hearing for 30 days because there was an emergency hearing before us so we didn't have time to be seen. So for the next thirty days, I really put my determination in full force. I stayed completely sober, I  started attending A.A. meetings daily, found a sponsor, and started working the twelve steps. I was also living in a shelter at the time, walking to most every meeting, and visiting my son twice a week.


   When we came back to court, I had three character witnesses with me and a lawyer who was pretty confident that we would come out on top. Well, my lawyer ended up not having to do much, because to everyone's surprise, social services changed their reccommendation to reunification with the mother!!! God was definitely in that courtroom once again. We were to come back again in 60 days. In that two month time period, I continued doing what I was doing, staying sober, working with my sponsor, attending meetings. I eventually got out of the shelter and moved into a nice log cabin in Little Orleans with my friend whom Jayden calls "daddy"(purely platonic).


   This last court date was December 2nd and it was the best day of my life! I ended up walking out of the courtroom with him and he has been with me ever since. He made himself right at home and it is almost like he never left. But I never want to forget where I came from and all of the pain, because I never want to go back there again. So as you might imagine, this is the best Christmas I have ever had, and I have the very best Christmas present ever!!!

The Right Intent

    It's wonderful to do nice things for people. It's probably something that we should all do more of. But are our intentions always pure?


   We must not only have right actions, but we must also have the right intent. People often do things for selfish, sometimes even vengeful reasons. Being that it is Christmas time, let's use the example of buying someone a gift. An example of the wrong intention would be to give the gift with the expectation of getting one back. Another example is so that you will look like a better daughter or son to your mother than your other sibling does because your gift is better. An example of the right intention for giving someone a gift would be because you want to make them happy.


   Now I am in the process of making amends to those people whom I have harmed in my life. I am working on the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous and I am currently on step nine. When making these direct amends to people, I must go about it with the right intent. I cannot apologize with the expectation that the other person will admit their wrongdoings towards me and apologize back. That is not how these things work. I am only trying to clean my side of the street, to get right with my perception of god, not to worry about if their side of the street is clean or not. It is completely irrelevant if they apologize or not. My intentions must be pure and unselfish.


   Another example of the wrong intent would be to do something because you want to gain recognition or praise for it. Another would be to do something sweet for someone whom you want to become attracted to you , sleep with you, or fall in love with you. Still another example would be to buy someone something real nice with the expectations that they will now do what you say. There are so many examples of the wrong intent, I could go on and on.


   To have the right intent is simple. Just do something good because it feels good doing it, because it's the right thing to do. Do it because it brings the other person joy, and that in turn, makes you happy. Others may not ever know if your intent was pure, but you will always know. And so will God, and that's the only one who really matters in the end...

Resentment

   Resentment. Such an ugly word. Holding resentments against someone is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person dies. It is a spiritual sickness that doesn't affect others at all, it will only eat at you and keep you sick.


   We all have had people in our lives who have been vendictive and vengeful, people that have nothing better to do with their time than to try to hurt you or "get even" with you. Yes, it's a sad phenomena. We have all had ex boyfriends, ex bosses, coworkers, friends and others who seem to  hold the title "king or queen of resentment". I just recently had to deal with an ex boyfriend who was as venemous and hateful as ever. I had broke up with him, had his phone which I was using returned to him along with a note explaining that I need to change people, places, and things and I wish the best for him in his life and will always love him. I didn't find it prudent to speak to him face to face, as he is a "tad bit" emotionally unstable and very unpredictable. Also, I had spoke to him on the phone about the fact that I really do not need a relationship in my life right now as I am sick as well and need to work on myself. I certainly do not need an unhealthy relationship to add to my own problems and struggles.


   Well the underlying emotion that he felt was hurt, which I fully understand. We can't please everybody all the time in this life and sometimes I need to take care of myself first. But he masked his emotional pain with anger and began a diabolic mission to try to ruin me. He posted nasty things on my facebook page. He hacked into my facebook account as me and posted things that were just thoughtless and uncharacteristic of me. He began sending me cruel texts, insulting my intelligence, my son, my hepatitis-c, my family...the list goes on. Now what kind of person stoops to that level and how am I to respond to such things?


   Well, all that I can do is pray for him, for he is spiritually sick. Simply put. Some people feed off of their own anger and negativity. To wallow in such things is absolutely no way to live. I have prayed for him often, praying that he will someday find serenity and inner peace. It is always best to take the high road in any situation involving resentment. Resentment is such a waste of time and energy.


   We all have to deal with the stresses of negative people in our lives, but it is how we choose to deal with it that really matters. We don't have to let their negative energy engulf and destroy us. We can choose to live a peaceful existence--- in mind, body, and spirit. What's true in our minds and hearts is true, we create our own destiny-- a destiny free of resentments. As far as we know, we only have this one lifetime, and life is too short to wallow in misery, spite, self-pity, and darkness.

Seeing Butterflies

   A lot has been going on with me over these past couple of months. I am fighting to get my son back with me, I put myself through rehab, have been going to meetings daily, and have been working the twelve steps with my sponsor. I have been chewed up, spit out, knocked down, and picked myself back up again.

   But one thing is for sure, I haven't lost my faith. If anything, my faith has grown and strengthened immensely since the last time you have heard from me. Now I am not a religious fanatic or a bible-thumper, but I am a deeply spiritual person.I believe in the power of nature, the Great Spirit, and the celebration of seasons. I believe that what we call god is an undeniable force of pure love and encompases all world religions and prophets.

   While I was in rehab, I began praying and asking god to show him/herself to me in my life. I was graced with prophetic and profound dreams, overwhelming feelings of peace and communion, enlightening experiences in and of nature, and many many butterflies! Now if you know anything about me, you know that I love butterflies. I believe them to be a symbol of freedom, of metamorphosis, and beauty. God knows this too. I can't tell you how many times that god has put butterflies in my path in these last couple of months!

   Just yesterday, I was feeling very stressed out over my upcoming court date involving my son. It is coming up very soon, next Friday to be exact.I was taking a walk down a dirt path, all the while worrying and stressing out.All of a sudden I was surrounded by butterflies all around me,their beautiful intricately designed wings and vibrant colors fluttering. I was overcome with feelings of excitement and inpiration, but most of all, I was overtaken by feelings of comfort and hope. God was with me and was telling me not to be discouraged, that everything will be okay.

   There is something that we human beings must realize in life, and that is that we cannot control everything . We just cannot "play god". We are only mortal, it is god that has all power. I am learning that I have to let go absolutely and simply "give it to god". All that I can do is the next right thing, and know that if I do, then god "has my back". There is no denying this. From personal experience, I know that if you truly seek god, he/she will begin to become apparent in your life.

   Maybe god will send you beautiful butterflies. Maybe it will be something different, something deeply meaningful and a source of inspiration for you. All I know is that I have no fear now. I will walk in the sunlight. I will walk through the greener pasture and vast mountainsides. And I will walk with my god-given butterflies...

How To Deal With Grief

   " The boundaries that divide life from death are shadowy and vague at best. Who shall say where one ends and the other begins?" ---Edgar Allen Poe

   Death is hard and I have been personally faced with it within the last 365 days. They have all been traumatic, some times one more than the other, but they have all hit home.

   The worst thing that one can do is to try to cling to something that is gone, or try to recreate it. These people that we miss still live actively in our hearts, souls, and minds... but are just not on this physical plane with us anymore. We must acknowledge that...

   Although we don't live in a world of mere reality, we can create our own reality. We live in a world of perceptions, where what's true in our minds is true!!! We can create our own reality, and if that exists with our deceased loved one contacting us directly or indirectly on a daily basis, then so be it!

   If there are resentments that we harbor, to forgive is the highest most beautiful form of love. And I promise you that in return, you will receive pure, untold peace and happiness. I promise this to you, and I promise that it can only get better... Hate is not overcome by hate. By only LOVE is hate suppressed. That is an eternal law...

   Perhaps our loved ones are not stars, but openings in "heaven" where the love our lost ones flow and pour through freely, and shine down upon us to let us know that they are happy.

   So is grief hard to handle? I would say "yes", but if you take heed to some of my helpful advice, it will become easier. It has for me. It has only been under a year for me, just think of how I will have evolved in a couple years or so from now?? It can only get better...

Into The Land Of The True

   I unveil the delicate curtain into the land of the real

   Where we are true to purely shine, where we aren't afraid to feel

   Where we are able to open up and cry

   To relax and keep it true under illuminating blue skies

   I want to feel happy I desire to SHINE

   I can reach the next level, I can touch the divine

   Clear my mental realm, I want to start all over again

   Like a newborn child, so pure and content

   It's time to be reborn and vulnerable, like everything is NEW

   Lets be the chosen children, we can be one of  the few

    So take my hand into the land of the true

   Watch your dreams become your reality

   Melt into Mother Nature, blend into the sky so blue

   Behold--The unfathomable land of purity, love, and truth...

  

   So take my hand into the land of the true

    Watch your dreams become your reality

   Melt into Mother Nature, blend into the sky so blue

   Behold--The unfathomable land of the true...

   So take my hand into the land of the true

   Watch your dreams become your reality

   Melt into Mother Nature, blend into the sky so blue


   Behold-- The unfathomable land of the true...