We Are The Ones We Have Been Waiting For

I am feeling inspired to get this out there. There is such much deception in this world, there is a lot of agendas and secrecy going on and the veil of illusion is upon us right now. It is super essential that we remain on our toes, stay vigilant, and continually be discerning with everything that we take on and entertain .This, I believe, is a time of balance for us all to achieve individually, with the main focus on what we take into ourselves, into the worldviews that we entertain. But also, and I believe more importantly, what we bring forth from within. It's not as much about adding stuff into our lives, as it is more about the taking away of things, the stripping away of falsities, material and worldly views and desires, and the stripping down of ourselves, to uncover the raw truth of what lies beneath, of who we truly are. Beneath all of the masks, false fronts, personality and egoic constructs. Beneath the identities and the many things that give us a false sense of identity and ultimately feel safe,we are actually innocence crying to come out. But we must get to the root of the problem, the heart of the matter. We will eventually come to the realisation that yes, the stripping away is a scary and sometimes lonely process that one must tread eventually,but the ultimate reward is our inner salvation, peace, redemption, and will ultimately lead us to the liberation from the chains that bind. Our self -created prison. We all have to encounter our inner demons, conflicts, and struggles in order to grow as an individual and Sovereign soul. it's not a comfortable thing, but we would not have choosen to just come down here into a body for a "free ride",a comfortable but ultimately meaningless ride. We don't want to someday be on our deathbeds,where we are regretting lost years that have seemed to just fall away and then begging our creator for more time to make wrong all of the things that we could have made right when we had the opportunities that were presented to us in this world to face ourselves and work on the betterment of our own Souls while we had the most chances during the time allotted to us. I am definitely not perfect, I'm consistently working on the "vicdetoxification of my soul and the betterment of my character flaws. I see so many people who take the "victim mentality", and blame outside people and situations or the lack of outside people and situations for their own position in the evolution of their life, thinking that "If just these situations would turn to be in their "favor", then everything would be "all better". but I speak from very personal experience that is definitely not how we actually get better. Nothing outside of ourselves can fix us or save us. We are the ones we've been waiting for, only we can save ourselves. It's the inner work that must come first. When we get ourselves right within, then we can begin to extend our reach beyond the inner realms. true peace and inner contentment is absolutely amazing, I've experienced the feeling and it can definitely be fleeting at times, but it is something I strive to eventually accomplish to a level that I am able to hold onto and familiarize myself with it in a way that I can draw upon that strength at will. Life is a journey for sure, a roller coaster at times but armed with this knowledge, I can become the one I've always been waiting for, as we all can be...

A NEW BEGINNING

    No need for enemies, no need to fight

   I want to unveil the curtains as to fully see the light

   We have been blinded by veils of deception and secrecy our whole lives,

   Under the guise of protection, under the pretense of shelter from this thing we call reality, from the harsh existence of this world

  As we are all surrounded by forced falsities and plastic niceties

   Naturally it will take time to trust anew, believe in ourselves,  have confidence again

   While your veils may unfold quickly and hastily, it may take time to truly heal and mend the shattered remnants of your soul

   Underneath the cloaks of illusory existence exists a lost and hopeless soul

   A pure, and innocent being, stripped naked, detesting the false fronts and superficial lies

   A child still alive and thriving underneath it all

   Yearning to be released from bondage, longing to finally be set free

   A strength that you still have yet to uncover, just waiting patiently and longing to be discovered

   We need to stop hurting at the hands and words of others

   We are obliged and innately driven to show unhindered compassion towards one another

   As the wallls of disillusionment slowly dissipate and dissolve,

   Suddenly we are no longer able to see any lines of division, any walls of separation

   An inevitable process this is

   For some, it will transpire and transmute in a very short and miraculous time

   For others, this process may unfold over a longer evolutionary process

   As you open your eyes with no preconceived judgements, as you gaze into our sun,

   It will become blatantly apparent, that in essence we are all ONE

   Let go of all negativity, release any self defeating ideas,  and demolish all forms of hate

   Your arch nemesis called Fear and his sidekick called Judgement mustalso be banished far, far away

   We all have the inborn longing for a better way of life

   To live in perfect alignment with the spark of divinity which resides within us....

   That is our God -given birthright

   We must settle for nothing less,  as we all desire to embrace ourselves fully

   Pushing ourselves to the limits, keeping those big dreams

   Not dreams inspired by fame, materialism or glory,

   But rather for inner development, preserving and cultivating our knowledge 

   Knowing that we always have so much learning and expanding to look forward to,  never settling for any limitations, conclusions or finalities

   As this is ALWAYS a New Beginning,  always moving closer and closer to the light

Rebirth and Revival

   Sitting stationary as the ethers of the mystic swirl fervently around me
   Increasing the awareness of my surroundings,
   My senses protruding like non obstructed radio antennas
   My brain waves ebbing and flowing, undulating frequencies
   Dissasemblance and reassemblance of self,
   Disintegration and reintegration of self
   I long to burn off all layers of falsities, I strive to die so that I can truly live
   Bending the bars of my prison, breaking free from the self created chains that bind
   Dissolving all illusions of space and time
   Searching and scanning this dimensional realm for others whose hearts bleed with light
   On a quest for the brightest dawn after the darkest of nights
   I open my eyes to see with my second sight
   Truths begin unveiling themselves, unraveling and unfolding before me
   A spiritual force I notice at work in the background, working silently and diligently to transmute and transform me
   My walls are tumbling down as my heart breaks wide open
   All deluded misconceptions and false realities effortlessly being broken
    I throw aside all hindrances, no longer am I stifled
    It's time to surrender to rebirth and revival

Samadhi

   When we are able to come out of our perspective of our individual existence in a body, we can collapse our identities and merge into singularity, into God consciousness. Where we can truly experience oneness and die a material death, being spiritually reborn into a realm of blended energies, no duality or polarities, our inner sanctuary of samadhi.
We must shake off our expectations, prior conceptions and identifications. We must remove our perception deception tinted glasses, recede into nothingness, merge into oneness. We all have that spark of divinity within us, beckoning us to pick up our flint and steel, transmute that spark into an eng

ulfing and all encompassing flame. The spark of divinity can dispel all darkness, remove all obstacles, lift all veils of illusion. We must journey to our atman - our true selves. Destined we are to return home, likened to an undeniable magnetic pull towards truth. The main focus of our lives, the most important aspect of our existence, should be to better know our true selves, to move towards achievement of samadhi. ..

Love Hurts

   Inspiration is creeping up like clouds in a boundless sky

   I'm resisting the urge to cower in a corner and cry

   There's so much more to life than meets the eye

   I find solace in the menagerie of the moonlit sky

   Why does melancholy ache so bad?

   You're the only truth I've ever known, the only love I've ever truly had

   My heart needs stitching,  needs to mend

   I'll write a letter to you but will never actually send

   This hurts so bad, my aching heart is severed

  I wish I could let go, but I'll love him forever

TO:MY TWIN FLAME

   This divine thing that we have between us can only be described as interstellar and sublime.  To even begin to try to comprehend and explain the innermost and unfathomable depths of my heart and my feelings I feel for you is in no way able to be described in words. I know that I would only be able to physically show you when we are finally together, through eye contact physically and demonstrative acts of love, and it's a challenging job though through just written or spoken words.     

   You make my heart soar, set it ablaze,  to undesirable heights and you burn like a fire inside of my spiritual temple which is what encompasses my soul. You have helped to have the complete confidence in the blatantly true, intense, spiritual love that cannot be explained in any way with normal comprehension. 

   I just ask that you can find the courage to put your true faith in me - in Us - because what we have is otherworldly and absolutely attainable and sustainable.                    

   My love, you are more than the mere words  "soulmate", I can not even attempt to describe what you are to me. You are my twin flame, my other half , my strengths where I am weak and my hope when I am desolate and in despair. I really hope that I can do the same for you as you have done over and over again for me and I wouldn't trade all of the pain in the world at any time that I have experienced in this relationship to trade it in for a life without you, my partner for life.

   Words like "I love you" don't even seem like enough.  I would shout it out to the world to profess my deep love, respect, and compassion that I hold dearly for you. Just in saying that I am beyond feeling blessed that I have finally found my other spiritual half, I will always think of ways that I can express it more. I do believe that we have manifested each other and it is overwhelmingly breathtaking.  I so look forward to going through this journey called life with you, I would be and already am, so honoured to be the love of your life as well.

Never Compromise Your Soul

   I have been wanting to write this one for awhile, I believe that we all must take heed to this message. Everyone, every person, music, television show, movie...everything that we consciously  choose to surround ourselves with is going to vibrate at a certain level, a certain frequency. If we are choosing low frequency people to surround ourselves with, it can be very detrimental to our state of mind.

   We need to practice self love and in aquiring that, we can love ourselves enough to never sacrifice our inner peace to appease another by resigning to spend our time with them. We are good enough, we do deserve to be happy.

   I have gotten myself into situations with people that I have known can only bring me down and then have gotten angry with  myself for agreeing to spend time with them because I was scared of hurting their feelings or didn't want them to feel lonely. That's never a good mind space to be in.

   Something that I thoroughly enjoy now more than ever, is my own solitude. I enjoy myself and love myself now more than ever. It's quite difficult to find people that truly unconditionally love you and vibrate at a high frequency, who will encourage positive growth and learning, and who appreciate the beautiful being that you are.

   All I can say is that anything that brings us down, anything that does not serve us positively, does not belong in our mind space. We must nurture our soul and our soul is the one thing we can't compromise. ..

Randomness and Non-Dissonance

I have come to a recent epiphany about life due to some recent multiple personal experiences.  I have come to the conclusion that if i have any rules, schedules,  or dissonance to doing something that doesn't feel comfortable or familiar or habit, I am truly denying myself of some very important feelings and experiences. I have recently agreed to do things, try things,  engage in things that I was originally in resistance to. After reluctantly accepting these other ideas and paths, I have come to the conclusion that I sincerely and surprisingly enjoyed these alternate activities immensely, random, non conventional to myself activities or paths have ultimately ended up making me feel so grateful that I did it, made me feel so alive and carefree. Don't place so many rules and standards on your life and you just may be refreshingly surprised and enlightened! !!!!!

My Twin Flame

     Twin flames you ask? Yes it is a term that was new to me about a year ago and then I started seeing it all over the place. I didn't really know what to make of it at first but it has changed my life in ways unimaginable since I have met mine.
    
     This other half of me, this man is something out of a childhood dream,  someone that I've always prayed and dreamed for, but whom i never thought actually existed. It is eerily and uncannily scary how much of a mirror he is to my own soul. This man scares the hell out of me because he is so real and coincidentally it's because he's so real that i can't turn away from this. 

     I am about to make some seriously severe and profound life decisions because of this man, to be with this man, physically reunited, things that I would never even consider following through with for ANYONE else. I am going to be moving halfway across the world to be physically with my twin flame again.

     I already know how insane this sounds to any ordinary bystander, anyone else, but the reality of this situation is too real that mere words couldn't even come close to describing. These words are coming out on paper so quickly, easily and freely because I speak the truth.

   So thank you Adam Beamsley for coming back into my life, for reuniting with my soul and stealing my heart. I love you more than words, facial expressions, body language could ever match. Till the end of time, your hand in mine, we'll walk this path and dance with the divine.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

    So Jaden was playing with LEGOs today, he was making some kind of really fancy car. Then part of it broke off, then another part, excetera. Well he got very frustrated with himself, he cried and cried for at least 30 minutes saying, "It's just too hard", and" I just can't do it". I kept saying to him, " Jaden, if everything was so easy, then we would never learn and get better at things, and " Jaden, what do you want to do? Do you want to try and build it again? I bet you'll do it even better the second time around." He was just so frustrated. I tried to hug him and reason with him, then the crying got louder. So I just went about my business, pretending not to notice the outburst.  Finally things got quiet and I looked over and saw him building again. I pretended not to pay attention. Finally I saw that he had finished a new masterpiece and I exclaimed, "Wow Jayden, that looks awesome!"  he was smiling. I didn't make to big of a deal about it, so he would keep challenging himself. I am solo proud of him, he finally figured out the lesson, "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again"...

I'm A Doormat No More

   Have you ever heard the saying "You treat people how to treat you"? Well it is so true and I have been teaching my boyfriend how to treat me for far too long. I continue to stay with him even after he gets physical with me, calls me cruel thoughtless names, mentally abuses me, fails to acknowledge anything that I tell him he did or said that hurt me and in defensive mode throws things in my face that has happened months, even years ago.  

   All of these things that I have mentioned are childish and in my opinion, a cowards way out. I deserve to be treated with kindness, honesty and respect. And the fact that I continue to stay and if I do leave, I eventually end up coming back. That is teaching him that it's okay because there is no incentive for him to stop.

   When I cry from being hurt, he will make fun of me for that. He thinks that crying is a sign of immaturity and is childless. So instead of him trying to really listen to me, comfort me, and apologize, he will belittle me and hurt me. He will own up to nothing and actually trys to turn the heat off of himself and put me in the spotlight.

   If I am the one who comes to him about specific things that have hurt me as a result of him, then that means that it has hurt me enough that I come to him and try to communicate to resolve the situation. He will immediately respond with whatever ammunition he can think of. And then if I ask him to please explain to me what I have done specifically that have made him hurt or angry, he is never been able to come up with specifics. Obviously if something upset him enough, he will either try to communicate with me or at the least be able to come up with what I said or did that upset him.

   I feel like his maid and mother more than I do his fiancé. I rarely get a thank you or any appreciation for all the things that I do for him and around the house. And never has he ever attempted to wash the dishes, do laundry, just even sweep a room to try to make me happy.

   I always tell him that actions speak louder than words. He can tell me that he loves me and that I mean so much to him but his actions contradict those words. I feel like a second class citizen in this house. I come after his friends, family... He didn't get me anything for my birthday, our anniversary yesterday... How is it that he will get his mother a birthday card or a gift at the beginning of the month when he still has money, but doesn't find it important enough to do the same for me? He will also be generous and giving to others, but will charge me, or make there be some course of action that I must take to deserve it.

   Now anyone reading this knows that this is not how you are supposed to treat their significant other treat anyone as a human being. I cannot continue to try to make us better if I'm the only one willing to make any effort. And I must love and respect myself enough to know that I don't deserve to be treated this way. I would be more happy alone than to go through constant pain, a rollacoster ride with my emotions being disregarded and played with constantly. I have come to the conclusion that I deserve to be treated with as much thoughtfulness, kindness, and respect that I give them. I WILL NOT BE A DOORMAT ANYMORE.

SURROUNDING MYSELF WITH POSITIVITY

     I decided awhile ago that I am not going to have negativity in my circle of "family" that I choose to surround myself with. This life is too short and precious to allow negative people, places and things to bring me down and influence me in any negative way. 

     I do not have any way to even get in contact with my mother and sister, no phone number, address...nothing. My father lives about 10 minutes away from me and has no interest in seeing me or his grandson. It makes me hurt and sad that they are missing out on a wonderful and special relationship with my wonderful son. And me. I am actually a very warm, empathetic, compassionate, forgiving and accepting human being. If they would only take the time to get to know me.


     That is why I am aware that I have the innate human right to form and make up my own family, with people of my choice. Warm wise souls who have been through the bullshit, fought the good fight. I just want positivity, I want to live a positive, healthy, progressive life of spiritual evolution. 


     Everyone deserves to be happy, to let go of any resentment, and have inner peace. Love is the answer and love always prevails. 

   

Working On Myself

   I need to work on myself

   Fear is my hindrance, a blockage to enlightened perception


   I don't want to live in that realm anymore


   I want to let go of these ties that bind


   I strive to feel life to the fullest and truly feel ALIVE


   I don't want to live with this wool over my eyes


   My fear is my own worst enemy and it's stifling my life


   Although I'm not afraid to admit my flaws


   I'm not afraid to cry


   I don't want to hold in my insecurities


   I want to surrender to possible rejection


   For I'll never know if I don't give it a try


   I am aware of my faults and that is a step towards the light


   Now comes the venture of trying to evolve


   A spiritual perfection, so pure and true


   Never living behind a mask or disguise


   I don't want to settle for a life of what-ifs and regrets

Our Sixth Sense...

   Our brain is our TRUE sixth sense. Just like our sight, sound, smell,taste, and touch.


   These are the "tools"that we are given in this life. We go through so many lifetimes as we need to in our physical "shells" here on this earth until our souls reach perfection.


   It is then that we attain a sublime awareness- enlightenment. When our sols are "perfected",then we leave our "shells" after our final lifetime.


   Our brains die with our physical body, as does all our physical senses. Our SOULS are immortal.


   Our souls are our feelings, our pure raw emotion. It's the fire inside of us, the "music" inside of our souls.


   We will all get there someday, it may take some souls longer than others, but we will still all get to that same place eventually. A place of pure love and peace, no more suffering.

I'm Scared And Feel Alone

   I have a court date coming up on September 19th. The charges are really bogus and I have a $1500 lawyer, Steve Friend. But I'm still terrified. I've spent too much of my 20's incarcerated, enough is enough. I'm a mother now. I'm doing everything right- going to my DUI classes, doing extra community service, going to meeting, staying sober, taking care of business pretty much.  


   The last time Kenny brought Jayden, my son, over to see me, he said I looked so good that he's going to let me see him more. That's awesome. That made me feel good. J ayden is my world. I can't wait until I can get him more toys and foods that he likes. He really is my only family, him and my cousin Dave are really all that I have in terms of family. I have my wonderful boyfriend as well. He loves and supports me.


   I really have no family. I wrote my dad a letter on Father's Day and he hasn't written me back. He told me to just write him from time to time. I saw him by chance at the grocery store. I just started crying as soon as I saw him because I haven't seen him in so long. I told him about my legal predicament. He said I look good and gave me a hug and that was that. I have been facebook messaged my mom, sharing pictures of me and my son to her page. I messaged her "Do I still have mom? No response. I've been trying to get ahold of my aunt because we've always had a connection and she's always talked to me even when my mom wouldn't. Family is so important and if you have a family and you're close to them, consider yourself lucky. Don't take that for granted.

   So in conclusion, I'm struggling, I'm scared and lonely. But I just have to keep my head held high and keep moving forward. I'm a good person, I love everyone because we're all connected.

I'm Going To Be A Personal Trainer!

   Yes, I'm studying to become a certified personal trainer! I am studying through Penn Foster Career School, it's an online school. They send me my study guides in the mail and I take the exams online. The literature is available online as well.


   I feel that this is the perfect field for me to get into for a variety of reasons. One, I am a health and fitness fanatic. I exercise daily, doing various cardiorespiratory routines. I also eat very healthy and try to take good care of my body. Two, I have always struggled with an eating disorder of some kind since I was about 12 years old. Being in shape and lean is very important to me. I feel that studying how to diet and exercise the right way will keep me informed and I'll be able to separate the truths from the fallacies. Thirdly, I happen to be cursed with two drug felonies on my record, making me pretty much unhireable. So this is definitely a field which I can go into business for myself, set my own hours, work out of my home perhaps.


   I also want to do something with my life, not just live a meaningless existence. I want to excel in something and make my family, my friends, and most of all -myself proud. Now yes, I am a mother and that is one of the most wonderful and rewarding jobs I could ever have. But when my son grows up, I also want him to go to college or some type of trade/online school. So I must lead by example and show him that it can be done.


   So, I am very happy that I have decided to further my education. I have a 93% average right now, so that's pretty darn good. I've just got to keep up the good work and keep pressing forward.

The Promise Land

   I feel compelled to communicate my soul


   Where am I going? Am I destined to grow?


   I long to evolve into an enlightened being


   Sometimes I'm confused as to what I am feeling


   I desire to be lighthearted, weightless and free


   I'm clawing, fighting, and grasping to see


   I'm praying for mercy, I'm down on my knees


   Where is my redemption? Where is my release?


   Unveil the cloak from my weary eyes


   Somehow I must confront this conflict inside


   Lessons learned, memories relived


   Much life to live, much love to give


   Awakened to revelation, upright where I stand


   Someday I will cross the threshold, pass into the promise land...

I'm Not Afraid Anymore

   I have really been growing spiritually lately. I spent a lot of time in jails, prison, and other institutions throughout most of my twenties. It hardened me in the way that I really thought that everyone was out for themselves, had underlying motives, and wanted to take advantage of my kindness. Everyone was out to hurt me and expose my weaknesses for their own personal gain. I had a very negative perception of people.


   Now I know that is not true. Yes there are some people who fit that description, but deep down I truly believe that all people are inherrently good and all innately want one thing: to give love and be loved. We all want to feel accepted. We all want to feel a sense of inner peace and belonging. We are all little children underneath our layers of falsities, fronts, and protective shields that we build around ourselves.


   In knowing this, I can more easily reach out to people, take down my walls and truly connect with people on a deeper level. I can set aside my fears of people and form deeper, more meaningful relationships. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me and I am learning to fly. I am testing the water, taking small baby steps. In doing this, I am seeing that instead of getting hurt, people are opening up and reaching back to me. I am forming true friendships and gaining a newfound peace and happiness.


   My fears and anxieties that I have been carrying with me for so long have really compromised my happiness and well-being. My fears are leaving me now. I am beginning to feel weightless and free. I know that there is a lot more growth and learning on this journey and I am looking forward to growing older, because with age comes wisdom. I am embracing life now with open arms, not hiding from it. I am not that scared little girl that I once was, and I am proud to say: I am beginning to not be afraid anymore...

Ballerina

Twirling

I'm spinning around and around.

In a room, lots of people.

Shy and timid, I don't think much of myself.

Somehow I gather up the courage to speak.

My face turns red, eyes lowered, staring at the ground

But I did it

Twirling

My apathy falls to the ground.

In a room, lots of people.

I speak again, more sure of myself.

I look up a few times

Twirling

My low self-esteem and melancholy fall to the ground.

In a room, lots of people

I speak with confidence, I own my words.

direct eye contact

My shyness and self-loathing falls to the ground, my confidence grows.

Twirling

I am a ballerina

I'm not stifled and stagnant anymore,

I'm not torn and forlorn.

I'm free.

THE FIGHT

I rise up out of the ruins and only to my surmise


I slip on a rock and fall back into my failures,


Fall back into my disease


My soul is pure but my mind is trying to change me,


Derrange me


I try to climb back up the rocky terrain


I'm fumbling for a grasp on reality


Condemned to chaos, that's how I feel


Layers of falsities I must strip, must peel


I tell myself I can do this, I can rise above this insanity


I must always remember- it is darkest before the dawn


I open my arms, let the sunshine cleanse me


Hoping that my pain and angst will fall off and die


Just as I want to give up and cry,


Teardrops of wonder envelop my newborn eyes


Strengthened by hope and inspiration, I begin to rise


Reinforcements of recognition stabilize and comfort me


I have finally found the pathway to peace...