Collide With Me

   I can't get you out of my head
   though I haven't even met you yet
   Destiny is calling me
   I'm treading water in your ocean
   Your tide sweeps over me
   Where are you, my mysterious horseman?
   I'm trudging through the trenches deep
   I want to feel your sunlight penetrate into my pores
   Possess me, consume me
   Collide with me
   Serenade me with your symphony
   Where have you been?
   Camouflaged in the canva of my life
   Do I deserve another half to complete my whole?
   I'm still human and flawed
   Let my fears wash away in the pool of my transgressions
   Take my hand, mysterious man
   Possess me, consume me
   Collide with me

I Seek Release

   Let the sweat pour down and wash over me
   In the deafening dawn
   I strive for a gentle reprieve
   My thoughts, in disarray, are seeping through the vaccum filter of my mind
   I cry out in dismay
   I'm seeking solace from my mental imprisonment
   Inklings of venom slither onto the embankment of my consciousness
   I'm testing and tearing at the seams of reality
   I'm ready to surrender to perceptions of serenity
   Let my frantic fanatics dissolve into the bitter sea
   A sweet symphony
   I yearn to break out of the confines of my confusion
   I've wept tears of acid rain
   I've knealt before Kwan Yin
   Absolve me from my sins
   I'm enmeshed in a sea of faces--
   My disturbed entanglement
   Is it possible?
   Could there be a release?

I've Won This Fight

   A little piece of me
   I's amazing to see
   how this beautiful boy
   emulates me


   Right from the start
   he captured my heart
   No matter how far away
   we will never be apart


   My love- a prism of light
   in the undulating sea of time
   I will never forget or lose sight
   of this precious love of mine


   His beauty is limitless
   He amazes and intrigues me
   Day in and day out
   he opens my eyes and shows me how to see


   I have him now
   I'm stepping out into the light
   No longer am I bruised and broken
   I'm holding on tight---
   I've won this fight...

Old Crow Medicine Show - Wagon Wheel [Official Music Video]

The Best Christmas Present Ever

   Last Christmas was a very sad one for me, and I had many sad ones before that as well. I wasn't completely alone, I had my boyfriend at the time, but I didn't feel whole. I am not very close with my family and I can't even remember the last time that I spent it with them. Last Christmas was especially sad though because I didn't have my baby boy with me.


   For the past year and a half, I have not had my son living with me. He has been staying with a good friend's family and I got to see him a few times a week, but it was just not the same. It's a long and complicated story of how Social Services got involved in the first place, but let's just say that my struggle with drugs and alcohol were to blame. It was very hard to see my son Jayden, watch him grow older, and know that I wasn't there to get the full experience of his development. It was also so very hard for me to see him for a few hours and then have to say goodbye. The guilt and the shame I felt were unbearable. I felt like such a horrible mother.


   In the beginning of losing him, I was really struggling. I got better with time. But I still couldn't stop drinking and using completely. I still had the thought "well, no one will know", or "I'm by myself, I'm not hurting anyone". I went to a rehab and ended up getting kicked out of there for use. That's when I really got scared. Time was running out, and Social Services was looking to close the case. So I started frantically trying to find another rehab. I ended up finding one around Annapolis and I put myself in there. I ended up doing very well there and gradated the day of my next court hearing. Unfortunately with all my last minute efforts, it still wasn't looking favorable for me. Social Services was looking to terminate my parental rights. In the hallway before court, the lady who was keeping my son told me that they were looking to adopt Jayden and she would only let me see him four times a year!!! Can you believe that? WOW, that's all I have to say.


   Well I was devastated. I thought it was all over for me. But god was in the courtroom that day. When we got before the judge, he said that we were going to postpone the hearing for 30 days because there was an emergency hearing before us so we didn't have time to be seen. So for the next thirty days, I really put my determination in full force. I stayed completely sober, I  started attending A.A. meetings daily, found a sponsor, and started working the twelve steps. I was also living in a shelter at the time, walking to most every meeting, and visiting my son twice a week.


   When we came back to court, I had three character witnesses with me and a lawyer who was pretty confident that we would come out on top. Well, my lawyer ended up not having to do much, because to everyone's surprise, social services changed their reccommendation to reunification with the mother!!! God was definitely in that courtroom once again. We were to come back again in 60 days. In that two month time period, I continued doing what I was doing, staying sober, working with my sponsor, attending meetings. I eventually got out of the shelter and moved into a nice log cabin in Little Orleans with my friend whom Jayden calls "daddy"(purely platonic).


   This last court date was December 2nd and it was the best day of my life! I ended up walking out of the courtroom with him and he has been with me ever since. He made himself right at home and it is almost like he never left. But I never want to forget where I came from and all of the pain, because I never want to go back there again. So as you might imagine, this is the best Christmas I have ever had, and I have the very best Christmas present ever!!!

The Right Intent

    It's wonderful to do nice things for people. It's probably something that we should all do more of. But are our intentions always pure?


   We must not only have right actions, but we must also have the right intent. People often do things for selfish, sometimes even vengeful reasons. Being that it is Christmas time, let's use the example of buying someone a gift. An example of the wrong intention would be to give the gift with the expectation of getting one back. Another example is so that you will look like a better daughter or son to your mother than your other sibling does because your gift is better. An example of the right intention for giving someone a gift would be because you want to make them happy.


   Now I am in the process of making amends to those people whom I have harmed in my life. I am working on the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous and I am currently on step nine. When making these direct amends to people, I must go about it with the right intent. I cannot apologize with the expectation that the other person will admit their wrongdoings towards me and apologize back. That is not how these things work. I am only trying to clean my side of the street, to get right with my perception of god, not to worry about if their side of the street is clean or not. It is completely irrelevant if they apologize or not. My intentions must be pure and unselfish.


   Another example of the wrong intent would be to do something because you want to gain recognition or praise for it. Another would be to do something sweet for someone whom you want to become attracted to you , sleep with you, or fall in love with you. Still another example would be to buy someone something real nice with the expectations that they will now do what you say. There are so many examples of the wrong intent, I could go on and on.


   To have the right intent is simple. Just do something good because it feels good doing it, because it's the right thing to do. Do it because it brings the other person joy, and that in turn, makes you happy. Others may not ever know if your intent was pure, but you will always know. And so will God, and that's the only one who really matters in the end...

Resentment

   Resentment. Such an ugly word. Holding resentments against someone is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person dies. It is a spiritual sickness that doesn't affect others at all, it will only eat at you and keep you sick.


   We all have had people in our lives who have been vendictive and vengeful, people that have nothing better to do with their time than to try to hurt you or "get even" with you. Yes, it's a sad phenomena. We have all had ex boyfriends, ex bosses, coworkers, friends and others who seem to  hold the title "king or queen of resentment". I just recently had to deal with an ex boyfriend who was as venemous and hateful as ever. I had broke up with him, had his phone which I was using returned to him along with a note explaining that I need to change people, places, and things and I wish the best for him in his life and will always love him. I didn't find it prudent to speak to him face to face, as he is a "tad bit" emotionally unstable and very unpredictable. Also, I had spoke to him on the phone about the fact that I really do not need a relationship in my life right now as I am sick as well and need to work on myself. I certainly do not need an unhealthy relationship to add to my own problems and struggles.


   Well the underlying emotion that he felt was hurt, which I fully understand. We can't please everybody all the time in this life and sometimes I need to take care of myself first. But he masked his emotional pain with anger and began a diabolic mission to try to ruin me. He posted nasty things on my facebook page. He hacked into my facebook account as me and posted things that were just thoughtless and uncharacteristic of me. He began sending me cruel texts, insulting my intelligence, my son, my hepatitis-c, my family...the list goes on. Now what kind of person stoops to that level and how am I to respond to such things?


   Well, all that I can do is pray for him, for he is spiritually sick. Simply put. Some people feed off of their own anger and negativity. To wallow in such things is absolutely no way to live. I have prayed for him often, praying that he will someday find serenity and inner peace. It is always best to take the high road in any situation involving resentment. Resentment is such a waste of time and energy.


   We all have to deal with the stresses of negative people in our lives, but it is how we choose to deal with it that really matters. We don't have to let their negative energy engulf and destroy us. We can choose to live a peaceful existence--- in mind, body, and spirit. What's true in our minds and hearts is true, we create our own destiny-- a destiny free of resentments. As far as we know, we only have this one lifetime, and life is too short to wallow in misery, spite, self-pity, and darkness.