THE FIGHT

I rise up out of the ruins and only to my surmise


I slip on a rock and fall back into my failures,


Fall back into my disease


My soul is pure but my mind is trying to change me,


Derrange me


I try to climb back up the rocky terrain


I'm fumbling for a grasp on reality


Condemned to chaos, that's how I feel


Layers of falsities I must strip, must peel


I tell myself I can do this, I can rise above this insanity


I must always remember- it is darkest before the dawn


I open my arms, let the sunshine cleanse me


Hoping that my pain and angst will fall off and die


Just as I want to give up and cry,


Teardrops of wonder envelop my newborn eyes


Strengthened by hope and inspiration, I begin to rise


Reinforcements of recognition stabilize and comfort me


I have finally found the pathway to peace...

Jail and Prison--No More

   It's no secret that I've been locked-up. I've been incarcerated all the way from Wyoming to Colorado to New York state. Nothing to be proud of, but true all the same. God-willing, I haven't been locked up in about 5 years and I pray I never will be again for as long as I live.


   Thinking about incarceration reminds me of the worst jail experience I have ever had. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. I ended up incarcerated for about 2 months while I was 5/6 months pregnant with my son, Jayden. I had violated my probation while I was on an ankle bracelet and had to do the rest of my time in jail. The entire time I spent in jail, I was on 23-hour lockdown. I was stuck in my cell for 23 hours a day. On that hour that they let me out, no one else was out but me, so I was still alone. I was handcuffed for the whole hour that I was out, except for when I took a shower. I began to fear human contact because I had been deprived of it day in and day out. They took me off of all of my meds because I was pregnant. They kept switching around my antidepressant which was making me even more crazy. The only solace that I had was in my reading, which I devoured at least one book a day. I could only take tylenol for the intense pain that I felt in my back and shoulders at night, because I was pregnant. Every night was torture, horribly painful, and I barely slept at all. I was delirious, mentally whacked out and contemplating suicide. I was contemplating causing pregnancy complications so that I could be rushed to the hospital. I always told myself, "if you can make it through this, girl you can make it through anything." And I made it. The day that they released me from there was the day the heavens opened up and bestowed their beautiful light upon me. After that experience, I promised myself I would never see the four walls of a jail cell again.


About six years prior to that experience,when I was 21 years old, I caught my first of two felony charges out in Glenwood Springs, Colorado. I had my xanax and ativan in the same prescription bottle and the cops found it after my boyfriend got pulled over for driving under the influence. For future reference, please note that that is a felony.It was an attempted possession charge. The other felony I caught was for giving a girl a klonopin of mine begause she was kicking dope and was very ill. That was a distibution charge. Amazing, I think. I ended up doing 5 months in Denver Women's Correctional Facility, an all-security prison in Denver. That was truly a horrific experience I would never relive again if you paid me one million dollars. But maybe for 2 million. I have also done jail time for various petty theft offenses. It always happened only when I drank. Good thing I quit drinking, huh? If you added up all of the times I have been incarcerated, it would probably add up to about 2 years!!!


   My life now is nothing like it was 5 years ago. I have been sober almost 9 months now, completely free from all drugs and alcohol. I have my beautiful 3 and a half year old son, Jayden, who I love and adore. I cherish ever day that goes by and I revel in life's beauty,trying not to take anything for granted. I embrace all that life has to offer and I appreciate freedom. I have opened the door to a whole new chapter in my life and when it comes to jail and prison, I say "NO MORE!!!!!"

NeedtoBreathe - Something Beautiful w/ lyrics

Thank You

   I am so inspired right now


   My heart beats strong like a drum


   My soul is trembling and tingling


   Everything is so vast and surreal


   I am lost in waves of desire, undulating and engulfing me


   My core is on fire


   I have never felt this intoxicated before


   In my heart, I'm already married


   I'm humbled, I'm down on my knees


   I am entranced and entangled in your web of compassion


   I hold these feelings in the abysmal depths of my heart


   Safe from my demons and fears


   So ever grateful am I for these emotions and I say "thank you"


   Thank you for capturing my very essence of being


   Thank you for igniting the fire within


   Thank you for making my heart jump and skip a beat


   Simply put, "thank you"

Communicating With The Dead

   I have had a few psychic experiences in my life, but hadn't really communicated with the dead until just recently. I just had a profound experience with someone who has died, my husband. This is a rather personal subjuct for me but I feel like with me putting this out there, I can possibly help someone else who has gone through a similar experience feel like they are not alone.


   Fred was a wonderful man whose life ended way too soon. He died of a cardiac arrest that was also drug related. He passed in November of 2010. I hadn't really been dealing with his death for the last year. I had been drinking off and on and just suppressing my emotions involving his death. For the last almost eight months, I have been sober and I have really been kind of forced to deal with it a lot more. I have felt Fred's presence off and on since he died, a little bit more over the past few months. I think it has been more since Jayden has been back here living with me. Jayden is both Fred and I's son.


   I had always been thinking things in my head but never saying them out loud. Well, a few days ago I really felt his presence in the room where Jayden and I were watching a movie. I thought to myself, "duh, maybe Fred doesn't hear what I'm thinking, but he might hear what I'm saying if I speak out loud. Maybe he would respond." So I said out loud, "Fred, if you are here, show me somehow. Give me a sign." Just after I said that, I felt a gentle wave of coolness pass through me, almost as if he walked right through me. What's even more eerie is that my son spoke of him. He said that he has played with him and that he was playing with him earlier that day. At night, my son sleeps in bed with me but on many a night, he has complained abou "cold covers" and then tries to pull the covers up from the bottom of the bed as though cover himself even more. Just recently, he has been going into Kenny's room to sleep and sometimes will move back and forth during the course of a night. I have always heard that when a spirit is close, it gets much colder. There have been a couple more intense and personal experiences following the ones I have just spoke of, and they have all left me with a feeling of peace. I also have a best friend who died just a month before Fred. Jayden has actually spoke of him before. I haven't really communicated with him though, I am nowhere near ready to deal with his death yet.


   Now I'm sure a lot of people reading this probably think that I'm "bat-shit crazy". All I can tell you is that these are some of the uncanny things that have honestly happened to me in my life. These experiences were not drawn from extremely potent acid trips, I have been completely sober. There is no doubt in my mind that the things that I saw and felt were real. The spirit world is as real as the sky is blue. Anyone out there who has had a similar experience understands. And if you have communicated with the dead, you are not alone. It is absolutely nothing to be ashamed or afraid of. From my experiences I draw strength, hope, faith and love.

Celibate For Life

   I find myself in a situation. I'm perfectly content with this situation, don't get me wrong. I have my beautiful and most amazing son back with me and I feel like I've died and gone to heaven. We both live with my best friend Kenny in a lovely cabin in the woods. What could be better? Jayden refers to Kenny as his daddy, for his real father passed away a little over a year ago. Jayden is supremely happy and completely content. So am I. I'm just sitting here, reflecting on the fact that I will probably be celibate for life, or at least until Jayden turns eighteen. The thought is a little disconcerting to me.


  You see, I wouldn't be able to bring another man into Jayden's life because Jayden already calls Kenny "daddy". And where on earth would I meet a man anyways, with me living all the way out in the middle of nowhere? Yes I do go into town to do shopping and attend A.A. meetings. Now let's just say that I met a nice man at an A.A. meeting or in the checkout line at the grocery store. What am I going to do, move him into the cabin? Have a "Two Men and a Baby " scenario? I think not. Hey, maybe I could move him into the storage shed outside. You see how this whole situation has me perturbed and perplexed?


   Now I'm not saying that I couldn't date. I suppose that is possible. So I guess I don't have to be celibate for the remainder of my life. But with dating, what can come of it? I surmise that I could be in a serious relationship that wouldn't be able to come into fruition until Jayden is an adult. I have fifteen more years. Will I still be attractive at age 45, or will I already be going downhill fast? These are thoughts that I really don't wish to entertain...


   So here it is. I've laid it all out on the table. I am insanely happy in the situation that I am in. I'm just banking on the fact that I will be celibate for life. I'm really not a sexually-driven person anyways. I would only settle for my soul-mate, nothing less. Maybe I could just become a nun, although I'm not Catholic. Anyhow, I guess I don't know what the future holds. Only time will tell...

High Intensity Interval Training--Why it Works

   I'm a health and fitness junkie. I am also an exercise fanatic. I exercise at least once a day, sometimes two. I want to tell you about a whole new way I've been exercising--high intensity interval training! It's an entirely different trip, I guess you could say. It's my new favorite thing in life, besides my son of course.


   I have an elliptical downstairs in the basement and I had been doing around 60-minutes of steady-paced cardio down there every day. Boring. Yes I had my music I was listening to, but still--boring. Now I am getting a better, more intense workout in half the time! I'm talking about HIIT, or high intensity interval training. I start out by stretching, of course, and warming up my muscles. Then I go straight into an interval. I'll run in place, do lunges, jumping squats, weights, crunches- anything that requires maximum exertion of either my muscles or my heart rate. I'll do that for about 40-60 seconds, then I'll go to steady-state cardio on my elliptical. After one minute of that, I go back into a 40-60 second interval. I switch back and forth like that for around 40 minutes. Then I'm finished. The secret is in the EPOC, or excess post-exercise oxygen consumption. HIIT increases the body's resting metabolic rate for anywhere from 24-48 hours post exercise and enhances the skeletal muscle fat oxidation, which basically means that you burn an insane amount of calories without having to do anything! The intervals completely exhaust your muscles of their stored energy, so your energy is coming from the burning of fat. HIIT improves maximal oxygen consumption (VO2-MAX) more effectively than doing traditional long aerobic workouts. Because HIIT is so intense and condense, it increases the length of time it takes your body to recover from each session. This type of exercise also causes metabolic adaptions that will enable you to use more fat as fuel under a variety of conditions. Doing regular steady-state cardio stimulates your aerobic energy system, where as intense cardio or strength-traing stimulates your anaerobic energy system. Anaerobic literally means "without oxygen", where aerobic means "with oxygen". To get the full benefits of HIIT, you need to push yourself past the upper end of your aerobic zone and then allow your body to replenish your anaerobic energy system during the recovery intervals.


  I know this all sounds a little technical and complex, but it's really very simple. This method of exercise training is superb for immediate fat-burning and weight-loss. I have seen results in only a short period of time since switching to this new form of exercise. And EPOC is only the immediate benefit that I'm experiencing. Over time, my body's ability to convert energy directly into muscles increases. Interval training will start convincing my body to "funnel" new energy into my muscles instead of my fat stores. It only gets better! I am excited about high intensity interval training.I  had always known about it, but I didn't quite know the logistics of it or just how effective it was at maximizing fat-burn. It has definitely made a believer out of me, and I hope by writing this, I can make a believer out of you too!