On Turning Thirty...

   I am about to turn thirty. Yes, on April 5th, life as a "twenty-something" will be over. So how do I take this? many people take facing thirty years old as a negative event....scary....closer to death!!!
   I, on the other hand, am looking at turning thirty as a positive event. my entire "twenties" were fun, but they lacked things that I am just now beginning to gain. in my twenties, i was locked in a mind-set of partying, night-life....I couldn't get enough. I HAD to be where the excitement was at!!!
   I didn't have a child right away, because I wanted to give myself time to have fun, experience craziness and fun...do things that I couldn't do if I had the responsibility of motherhood.
   As a student of "extremes", I went too far. I got in legal messes, permanently destructed brain cells with excessive usage of drugs, on and on...you get the picture. If I could go back in time with the knowledge I have today, maybe things would be a little different. But everything happens for a reason, so without those experiences, I wouldn't be who I am today.
   Now let's talk about who I am today... I have enjoyed the "party scene", traveled the country, constructed philosophies on life,etc. I have abused my body enough, with every drug imaginable and enough alcohol to cause cirrhosis of the liver. It's time to evolve, it's time to change...
  I had a son at the age of twenty-seven. His name is Jayden and he is the center of my life./ I am finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I am starting to gain knowledge about how to associate with people in a rewarding kind of way. Things are becoming easier. I am finally growing up. It feels good!!!!
   I am beginning to take care of my body more, nourishing my mind, feeding my soul... I want to learn , educate myself on new things, possibly begin taking courses in my passion...fitness and nutrition! I want to excel, I want to evolve and grow. Keep moving forward, progressing and being proactive in life! I get it now... It takes some souls longer than others to understand how we are supposed to live our lives. With compassion, empathy, and a gentle kindness towards others. Take hold of your dreams and make them happen!
    This life is ours to live, we create our own reality . What's true in our minds is true. Turning thirty for me...is a wake-up call. On what is really important in life. I am more at peace within myself, I know myself better than I did at twenty. My missions now--- Be the best mother that I can be, be the best wife someday that I can be, and always accept change as a positive aspect of life. Always growing, always evolving.
   I am embracing thirty!!!! These years are prudent to having a healthy, stable, progressive life!!! I am looking forward to turning forty, for I have found the love of my life and I am excited to take this journey called "life" with him and my son!!!
   But for now, I am ready to embrace my thirties. Life is a roller-coaster, and I am strapped in for the ride!!!

Rob dougan clubbed to death videoclip

Tracy Chapman - The Rape of the World - Remember the Freedom Flotilla

The Promise - Tracy Chapman

An Army of One: The Quest To Get My Child Back...

   I don't know how many of you out there can relate to this, my hands are trembling even as I am writing this. I have been in the process of working to get my son back for several months now. I know that there are mothers, even fathers, who are in a situation similar to this right now. The part that is especially hard for me right now is the lack of support from really any family right now. I have lost my three closest friends to death within this last year and the other friends that I have, I am not close enough to where I could really say that we have a close "bond"...
   Even if I am close to some people in my life, if they are not on the same page as me, not "on board" with staying sober, then they can not really be of that much support. Being a sober mother for my son is one of the things that is expected of me in order to get him back.
   As an alcoholic and an addict, every day is a struggle in itself. If I am not surrounded by positive influences, then I need to separate myself from the negativity. Undoubtedly, that leaves me on my own.
   My family does not have much faith in me. They are not supportive because they think that I will fail. Instead of letting that bring me down though, I am using that as fuel to the fire--- I am more determined and motivated than ever now to get my beautiful boy back.
   The reason that I don't have him right now is a long story within itself, but Social Services has had expectations of me to not drink alcohol. When I did have my son, i began to see a new doctor and allowed him to prescribe me benzodiazapines for my anxiety, knowing that the bad definitely outweighs the good in the effect that they have on me. I told myself that "this time it would be different", that I control my urges to drink when I take them. We can't expect a different outcome from the same behaviors... it just doesn't work.
   So for almost the last six months, I have been on the mission of proving to Social Services that I can maintain a sober lifestyle (that includes benzodiazapines), so that my son can be back in my arms again. Nothing is more important than my son... no drink, no pill, no guy, no family, no friend will ever fill the space in my heart that I have for my boy.
   My heart is in the right place, I have my priorities straight... my focus every day is on getting my child back!!! I will NOT wander, I will NOT waiver . I will NOT relinquish my responsibility as a human being!!! My main job right now is to be a mother and take care of my son. If no one will stand beside me in this fight, I WILL WALK ALONE!!! I will be damned if I let him slip away from me. He is my life force, my heart, my very next breath. Anyone who understands, feel free to raise your hand. If you don't, step out of my way. I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but I have no use for anyone who is bringing me down in any way, in this quest to get my child back!!!