SURROUNDING MYSELF WITH POSITIVITY

     I decided awhile ago that I am not going to have negativity in my circle of "family" that I choose to surround myself with. This life is too short and precious to allow negative people, places and things to bring me down and influence me in any negative way. 

     I do not have any way to even get in contact with my mother and sister, no phone number, address...nothing. My father lives about 10 minutes away from me and has no interest in seeing me or his grandson. It makes me hurt and sad that they are missing out on a wonderful and special relationship with my wonderful son. And me. I am actually a very warm, empathetic, compassionate, forgiving and accepting human being. If they would only take the time to get to know me.


     That is why I am aware that I have the innate human right to form and make up my own family, with people of my choice. Warm wise souls who have been through the bullshit, fought the good fight. I just want positivity, I want to live a positive, healthy, progressive life of spiritual evolution. 


     Everyone deserves to be happy, to let go of any resentment, and have inner peace. Love is the answer and love always prevails. 

   

Working On Myself

   I need to work on myself

   Fear is my hindrance, a blockage to enlightened perception


   I don't want to live in that realm anymore


   I want to let go of these ties that bind


   I strive to feel life to the fullest and truly feel ALIVE


   I don't want to live with this wool over my eyes


   My fear is my own worst enemy and it's stifling my life


   Although I'm not afraid to admit my flaws


   I'm not afraid to cry


   I don't want to hold in my insecurities


   I want to surrender to possible rejection


   For I'll never know if I don't give it a try


   I am aware of my faults and that is a step towards the light


   Now comes the venture of trying to evolve


   A spiritual perfection, so pure and true


   Never living behind a mask or disguise


   I don't want to settle for a life of what-ifs and regrets

Our Sixth Sense...

   Our brain is our TRUE sixth sense. Just like our sight, sound, smell,taste, and touch.


   These are the "tools"that we are given in this life. We go through so many lifetimes as we need to in our physical "shells" here on this earth until our souls reach perfection.


   It is then that we attain a sublime awareness- enlightenment. When our sols are "perfected",then we leave our "shells" after our final lifetime.


   Our brains die with our physical body, as does all our physical senses. Our SOULS are immortal.


   Our souls are our feelings, our pure raw emotion. It's the fire inside of us, the "music" inside of our souls.


   We will all get there someday, it may take some souls longer than others, but we will still all get to that same place eventually. A place of pure love and peace, no more suffering.

I'm Scared And Feel Alone

   I have a court date coming up on September 19th. The charges are really bogus and I have a $1500 lawyer, Steve Friend. But I'm still terrified. I've spent too much of my 20's incarcerated, enough is enough. I'm a mother now. I'm doing everything right- going to my DUI classes, doing extra community service, going to meeting, staying sober, taking care of business pretty much.  


   The last time Kenny brought Jayden, my son, over to see me, he said I looked so good that he's going to let me see him more. That's awesome. That made me feel good. J ayden is my world. I can't wait until I can get him more toys and foods that he likes. He really is my only family, him and my cousin Dave are really all that I have in terms of family. I have my wonderful boyfriend as well. He loves and supports me.


   I really have no family. I wrote my dad a letter on Father's Day and he hasn't written me back. He told me to just write him from time to time. I saw him by chance at the grocery store. I just started crying as soon as I saw him because I haven't seen him in so long. I told him about my legal predicament. He said I look good and gave me a hug and that was that. I have been facebook messaged my mom, sharing pictures of me and my son to her page. I messaged her "Do I still have mom? No response. I've been trying to get ahold of my aunt because we've always had a connection and she's always talked to me even when my mom wouldn't. Family is so important and if you have a family and you're close to them, consider yourself lucky. Don't take that for granted.

   So in conclusion, I'm struggling, I'm scared and lonely. But I just have to keep my head held high and keep moving forward. I'm a good person, I love everyone because we're all connected.

I'm Going To Be A Personal Trainer!

   Yes, I'm studying to become a certified personal trainer! I am studying through Penn Foster Career School, it's an online school. They send me my study guides in the mail and I take the exams online. The literature is available online as well.


   I feel that this is the perfect field for me to get into for a variety of reasons. One, I am a health and fitness fanatic. I exercise daily, doing various cardiorespiratory routines. I also eat very healthy and try to take good care of my body. Two, I have always struggled with an eating disorder of some kind since I was about 12 years old. Being in shape and lean is very important to me. I feel that studying how to diet and exercise the right way will keep me informed and I'll be able to separate the truths from the fallacies. Thirdly, I happen to be cursed with two drug felonies on my record, making me pretty much unhireable. So this is definitely a field which I can go into business for myself, set my own hours, work out of my home perhaps.


   I also want to do something with my life, not just live a meaningless existence. I want to excel in something and make my family, my friends, and most of all -myself proud. Now yes, I am a mother and that is one of the most wonderful and rewarding jobs I could ever have. But when my son grows up, I also want him to go to college or some type of trade/online school. So I must lead by example and show him that it can be done.


   So, I am very happy that I have decided to further my education. I have a 93% average right now, so that's pretty darn good. I've just got to keep up the good work and keep pressing forward.

The Promise Land

   I feel compelled to communicate my soul


   Where am I going? Am I destined to grow?


   I long to evolve into an enlightened being


   Sometimes I'm confused as to what I am feeling


   I desire to be lighthearted, weightless and free


   I'm clawing, fighting, and grasping to see


   I'm praying for mercy, I'm down on my knees


   Where is my redemption? Where is my release?


   Unveil the cloak from my weary eyes


   Somehow I must confront this conflict inside


   Lessons learned, memories relived


   Much life to live, much love to give


   Awakened to revelation, upright where I stand


   Someday I will cross the threshold, pass into the promise land...

I'm Not Afraid Anymore

   I have really been growing spiritually lately. I spent a lot of time in jails, prison, and other institutions throughout most of my twenties. It hardened me in the way that I really thought that everyone was out for themselves, had underlying motives, and wanted to take advantage of my kindness. Everyone was out to hurt me and expose my weaknesses for their own personal gain. I had a very negative perception of people.


   Now I know that is not true. Yes there are some people who fit that description, but deep down I truly believe that all people are inherrently good and all innately want one thing: to give love and be loved. We all want to feel accepted. We all want to feel a sense of inner peace and belonging. We are all little children underneath our layers of falsities, fronts, and protective shields that we build around ourselves.


   In knowing this, I can more easily reach out to people, take down my walls and truly connect with people on a deeper level. I can set aside my fears of people and form deeper, more meaningful relationships. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me and I am learning to fly. I am testing the water, taking small baby steps. In doing this, I am seeing that instead of getting hurt, people are opening up and reaching back to me. I am forming true friendships and gaining a newfound peace and happiness.


   My fears and anxieties that I have been carrying with me for so long have really compromised my happiness and well-being. My fears are leaving me now. I am beginning to feel weightless and free. I know that there is a lot more growth and learning on this journey and I am looking forward to growing older, because with age comes wisdom. I am embracing life now with open arms, not hiding from it. I am not that scared little girl that I once was, and I am proud to say: I am beginning to not be afraid anymore...