Our Sixth Sense...

   Our brain is our TRUE sixth sense. Just like our sight, sound, smell,taste, and touch.


   These are the "tools"that we are given in this life. We go through so many lifetimes as we need to in our physical "shells" here on this earth until our souls reach perfection.


   It is then that we attain a sublime awareness- enlightenment. When our sols are "perfected",then we leave our "shells" after our final lifetime.


   Our brains die with our physical body, as does all our physical senses. Our SOULS are immortal.


   Our souls are our feelings, our pure raw emotion. It's the fire inside of us, the "music" inside of our souls.


   We will all get there someday, it may take some souls longer than others, but we will still all get to that same place eventually. A place of pure love and peace, no more suffering.

I'm Scared And Feel Alone

   I have a court date coming up on September 19th. The charges are really bogus and I have a $1500 lawyer, Steve Friend. But I'm still terrified. I've spent too much of my 20's incarcerated, enough is enough. I'm a mother now. I'm doing everything right- going to my DUI classes, doing extra community service, going to meeting, staying sober, taking care of business pretty much.  


   The last time Kenny brought Jayden, my son, over to see me, he said I looked so good that he's going to let me see him more. That's awesome. That made me feel good. J ayden is my world. I can't wait until I can get him more toys and foods that he likes. He really is my only family, him and my cousin Dave are really all that I have in terms of family. I have my wonderful boyfriend as well. He loves and supports me.


   I really have no family. I wrote my dad a letter on Father's Day and he hasn't written me back. He told me to just write him from time to time. I saw him by chance at the grocery store. I just started crying as soon as I saw him because I haven't seen him in so long. I told him about my legal predicament. He said I look good and gave me a hug and that was that. I have been facebook messaged my mom, sharing pictures of me and my son to her page. I messaged her "Do I still have mom? No response. I've been trying to get ahold of my aunt because we've always had a connection and she's always talked to me even when my mom wouldn't. Family is so important and if you have a family and you're close to them, consider yourself lucky. Don't take that for granted.

   So in conclusion, I'm struggling, I'm scared and lonely. But I just have to keep my head held high and keep moving forward. I'm a good person, I love everyone because we're all connected.

I'm Going To Be A Personal Trainer!

   Yes, I'm studying to become a certified personal trainer! I am studying through Penn Foster Career School, it's an online school. They send me my study guides in the mail and I take the exams online. The literature is available online as well.


   I feel that this is the perfect field for me to get into for a variety of reasons. One, I am a health and fitness fanatic. I exercise daily, doing various cardiorespiratory routines. I also eat very healthy and try to take good care of my body. Two, I have always struggled with an eating disorder of some kind since I was about 12 years old. Being in shape and lean is very important to me. I feel that studying how to diet and exercise the right way will keep me informed and I'll be able to separate the truths from the fallacies. Thirdly, I happen to be cursed with two drug felonies on my record, making me pretty much unhireable. So this is definitely a field which I can go into business for myself, set my own hours, work out of my home perhaps.


   I also want to do something with my life, not just live a meaningless existence. I want to excel in something and make my family, my friends, and most of all -myself proud. Now yes, I am a mother and that is one of the most wonderful and rewarding jobs I could ever have. But when my son grows up, I also want him to go to college or some type of trade/online school. So I must lead by example and show him that it can be done.


   So, I am very happy that I have decided to further my education. I have a 93% average right now, so that's pretty darn good. I've just got to keep up the good work and keep pressing forward.

The Promise Land

   I feel compelled to communicate my soul


   Where am I going? Am I destined to grow?


   I long to evolve into an enlightened being


   Sometimes I'm confused as to what I am feeling


   I desire to be lighthearted, weightless and free


   I'm clawing, fighting, and grasping to see


   I'm praying for mercy, I'm down on my knees


   Where is my redemption? Where is my release?


   Unveil the cloak from my weary eyes


   Somehow I must confront this conflict inside


   Lessons learned, memories relived


   Much life to live, much love to give


   Awakened to revelation, upright where I stand


   Someday I will cross the threshold, pass into the promise land...

I'm Not Afraid Anymore

   I have really been growing spiritually lately. I spent a lot of time in jails, prison, and other institutions throughout most of my twenties. It hardened me in the way that I really thought that everyone was out for themselves, had underlying motives, and wanted to take advantage of my kindness. Everyone was out to hurt me and expose my weaknesses for their own personal gain. I had a very negative perception of people.


   Now I know that is not true. Yes there are some people who fit that description, but deep down I truly believe that all people are inherrently good and all innately want one thing: to give love and be loved. We all want to feel accepted. We all want to feel a sense of inner peace and belonging. We are all little children underneath our layers of falsities, fronts, and protective shields that we build around ourselves.


   In knowing this, I can more easily reach out to people, take down my walls and truly connect with people on a deeper level. I can set aside my fears of people and form deeper, more meaningful relationships. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me and I am learning to fly. I am testing the water, taking small baby steps. In doing this, I am seeing that instead of getting hurt, people are opening up and reaching back to me. I am forming true friendships and gaining a newfound peace and happiness.


   My fears and anxieties that I have been carrying with me for so long have really compromised my happiness and well-being. My fears are leaving me now. I am beginning to feel weightless and free. I know that there is a lot more growth and learning on this journey and I am looking forward to growing older, because with age comes wisdom. I am embracing life now with open arms, not hiding from it. I am not that scared little girl that I once was, and I am proud to say: I am beginning to not be afraid anymore...

Ballerina

Twirling

I'm spinning around and around.

In a room, lots of people.

Shy and timid, I don't think much of myself.

Somehow I gather up the courage to speak.

My face turns red, eyes lowered, staring at the ground

But I did it

Twirling

My apathy falls to the ground.

In a room, lots of people.

I speak again, more sure of myself.

I look up a few times

Twirling

My low self-esteem and melancholy fall to the ground.

In a room, lots of people

I speak with confidence, I own my words.

direct eye contact

My shyness and self-loathing falls to the ground, my confidence grows.

Twirling

I am a ballerina

I'm not stifled and stagnant anymore,

I'm not torn and forlorn.

I'm free.

THE FIGHT

I rise up out of the ruins and only to my surmise


I slip on a rock and fall back into my failures,


Fall back into my disease


My soul is pure but my mind is trying to change me,


Derrange me


I try to climb back up the rocky terrain


I'm fumbling for a grasp on reality


Condemned to chaos, that's how I feel


Layers of falsities I must strip, must peel


I tell myself I can do this, I can rise above this insanity


I must always remember- it is darkest before the dawn


I open my arms, let the sunshine cleanse me


Hoping that my pain and angst will fall off and die


Just as I want to give up and cry,


Teardrops of wonder envelop my newborn eyes


Strengthened by hope and inspiration, I begin to rise


Reinforcements of recognition stabilize and comfort me


I have finally found the pathway to peace...