The Promise Land

   I feel compelled to communicate my soul


   Where am I going? Am I destined to grow?


   I long to evolve into an enlightened being


   Sometimes I'm confused as to what I am feeling


   I desire to be lighthearted, weightless and free


   I'm clawing, fighting, and grasping to see


   I'm praying for mercy, I'm down on my knees


   Where is my redemption? Where is my release?


   Unveil the cloak from my weary eyes


   Somehow I must confront this conflict inside


   Lessons learned, memories relived


   Much life to live, much love to give


   Awakened to revelation, upright where I stand


   Someday I will cross the threshold, pass into the promise land...

I'm Not Afraid Anymore

   I have really been growing spiritually lately. I spent a lot of time in jails, prison, and other institutions throughout most of my twenties. It hardened me in the way that I really thought that everyone was out for themselves, had underlying motives, and wanted to take advantage of my kindness. Everyone was out to hurt me and expose my weaknesses for their own personal gain. I had a very negative perception of people.


   Now I know that is not true. Yes there are some people who fit that description, but deep down I truly believe that all people are inherrently good and all innately want one thing: to give love and be loved. We all want to feel accepted. We all want to feel a sense of inner peace and belonging. We are all little children underneath our layers of falsities, fronts, and protective shields that we build around ourselves.


   In knowing this, I can more easily reach out to people, take down my walls and truly connect with people on a deeper level. I can set aside my fears of people and form deeper, more meaningful relationships. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me and I am learning to fly. I am testing the water, taking small baby steps. In doing this, I am seeing that instead of getting hurt, people are opening up and reaching back to me. I am forming true friendships and gaining a newfound peace and happiness.


   My fears and anxieties that I have been carrying with me for so long have really compromised my happiness and well-being. My fears are leaving me now. I am beginning to feel weightless and free. I know that there is a lot more growth and learning on this journey and I am looking forward to growing older, because with age comes wisdom. I am embracing life now with open arms, not hiding from it. I am not that scared little girl that I once was, and I am proud to say: I am beginning to not be afraid anymore...

Ballerina

Twirling

I'm spinning around and around.

In a room, lots of people.

Shy and timid, I don't think much of myself.

Somehow I gather up the courage to speak.

My face turns red, eyes lowered, staring at the ground

But I did it

Twirling

My apathy falls to the ground.

In a room, lots of people.

I speak again, more sure of myself.

I look up a few times

Twirling

My low self-esteem and melancholy fall to the ground.

In a room, lots of people

I speak with confidence, I own my words.

direct eye contact

My shyness and self-loathing falls to the ground, my confidence grows.

Twirling

I am a ballerina

I'm not stifled and stagnant anymore,

I'm not torn and forlorn.

I'm free.

THE FIGHT

I rise up out of the ruins and only to my surmise


I slip on a rock and fall back into my failures,


Fall back into my disease


My soul is pure but my mind is trying to change me,


Derrange me


I try to climb back up the rocky terrain


I'm fumbling for a grasp on reality


Condemned to chaos, that's how I feel


Layers of falsities I must strip, must peel


I tell myself I can do this, I can rise above this insanity


I must always remember- it is darkest before the dawn


I open my arms, let the sunshine cleanse me


Hoping that my pain and angst will fall off and die


Just as I want to give up and cry,


Teardrops of wonder envelop my newborn eyes


Strengthened by hope and inspiration, I begin to rise


Reinforcements of recognition stabilize and comfort me


I have finally found the pathway to peace...

Jail and Prison--No More

   It's no secret that I've been locked-up. I've been incarcerated all the way from Wyoming to Colorado to New York state. Nothing to be proud of, but true all the same. God-willing, I haven't been locked up in about 5 years and I pray I never will be again for as long as I live.


   Thinking about incarceration reminds me of the worst jail experience I have ever had. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. I ended up incarcerated for about 2 months while I was 5/6 months pregnant with my son, Jayden. I had violated my probation while I was on an ankle bracelet and had to do the rest of my time in jail. The entire time I spent in jail, I was on 23-hour lockdown. I was stuck in my cell for 23 hours a day. On that hour that they let me out, no one else was out but me, so I was still alone. I was handcuffed for the whole hour that I was out, except for when I took a shower. I began to fear human contact because I had been deprived of it day in and day out. They took me off of all of my meds because I was pregnant. They kept switching around my antidepressant which was making me even more crazy. The only solace that I had was in my reading, which I devoured at least one book a day. I could only take tylenol for the intense pain that I felt in my back and shoulders at night, because I was pregnant. Every night was torture, horribly painful, and I barely slept at all. I was delirious, mentally whacked out and contemplating suicide. I was contemplating causing pregnancy complications so that I could be rushed to the hospital. I always told myself, "if you can make it through this, girl you can make it through anything." And I made it. The day that they released me from there was the day the heavens opened up and bestowed their beautiful light upon me. After that experience, I promised myself I would never see the four walls of a jail cell again.


About six years prior to that experience,when I was 21 years old, I caught my first of two felony charges out in Glenwood Springs, Colorado. I had my xanax and ativan in the same prescription bottle and the cops found it after my boyfriend got pulled over for driving under the influence. For future reference, please note that that is a felony.It was an attempted possession charge. The other felony I caught was for giving a girl a klonopin of mine begause she was kicking dope and was very ill. That was a distibution charge. Amazing, I think. I ended up doing 5 months in Denver Women's Correctional Facility, an all-security prison in Denver. That was truly a horrific experience I would never relive again if you paid me one million dollars. But maybe for 2 million. I have also done jail time for various petty theft offenses. It always happened only when I drank. Good thing I quit drinking, huh? If you added up all of the times I have been incarcerated, it would probably add up to about 2 years!!!


   My life now is nothing like it was 5 years ago. I have been sober almost 9 months now, completely free from all drugs and alcohol. I have my beautiful 3 and a half year old son, Jayden, who I love and adore. I cherish ever day that goes by and I revel in life's beauty,trying not to take anything for granted. I embrace all that life has to offer and I appreciate freedom. I have opened the door to a whole new chapter in my life and when it comes to jail and prison, I say "NO MORE!!!!!"

NeedtoBreathe - Something Beautiful w/ lyrics

Thank You

   I am so inspired right now


   My heart beats strong like a drum


   My soul is trembling and tingling


   Everything is so vast and surreal


   I am lost in waves of desire, undulating and engulfing me


   My core is on fire


   I have never felt this intoxicated before


   In my heart, I'm already married


   I'm humbled, I'm down on my knees


   I am entranced and entangled in your web of compassion


   I hold these feelings in the abysmal depths of my heart


   Safe from my demons and fears


   So ever grateful am I for these emotions and I say "thank you"


   Thank you for capturing my very essence of being


   Thank you for igniting the fire within


   Thank you for making my heart jump and skip a beat


   Simply put, "thank you"