My Twin Flame

     Twin flames you ask? Yes it is a term that was new to me about a year ago and then I started seeing it all over the place. I didn't really know what to make of it at first but it has changed my life in ways unimaginable since I have met mine.
    
     This other half of me, this man is something out of a childhood dream,  someone that I've always prayed and dreamed for, but whom i never thought actually existed. It is eerily and uncannily scary how much of a mirror he is to my own soul. This man scares the hell out of me because he is so real and coincidentally it's because he's so real that i can't turn away from this. 

     I am about to make some seriously severe and profound life decisions because of this man, to be with this man, physically reunited, things that I would never even consider following through with for ANYONE else. I am going to be moving halfway across the world to be physically with my twin flame again.

     I already know how insane this sounds to any ordinary bystander, anyone else, but the reality of this situation is too real that mere words couldn't even come close to describing. These words are coming out on paper so quickly, easily and freely because I speak the truth.

   So thank you Adam Beamsley for coming back into my life, for reuniting with my soul and stealing my heart. I love you more than words, facial expressions, body language could ever match. Till the end of time, your hand in mine, we'll walk this path and dance with the divine.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

    So Jaden was playing with LEGOs today, he was making some kind of really fancy car. Then part of it broke off, then another part, excetera. Well he got very frustrated with himself, he cried and cried for at least 30 minutes saying, "It's just too hard", and" I just can't do it". I kept saying to him, " Jaden, if everything was so easy, then we would never learn and get better at things, and " Jaden, what do you want to do? Do you want to try and build it again? I bet you'll do it even better the second time around." He was just so frustrated. I tried to hug him and reason with him, then the crying got louder. So I just went about my business, pretending not to notice the outburst.  Finally things got quiet and I looked over and saw him building again. I pretended not to pay attention. Finally I saw that he had finished a new masterpiece and I exclaimed, "Wow Jayden, that looks awesome!"  he was smiling. I didn't make to big of a deal about it, so he would keep challenging himself. I am solo proud of him, he finally figured out the lesson, "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again"...

I'm A Doormat No More

   Have you ever heard the saying "You treat people how to treat you"? Well it is so true and I have been teaching my boyfriend how to treat me for far too long. I continue to stay with him even after he gets physical with me, calls me cruel thoughtless names, mentally abuses me, fails to acknowledge anything that I tell him he did or said that hurt me and in defensive mode throws things in my face that has happened months, even years ago.  

   All of these things that I have mentioned are childish and in my opinion, a cowards way out. I deserve to be treated with kindness, honesty and respect. And the fact that I continue to stay and if I do leave, I eventually end up coming back. That is teaching him that it's okay because there is no incentive for him to stop.

   When I cry from being hurt, he will make fun of me for that. He thinks that crying is a sign of immaturity and is childless. So instead of him trying to really listen to me, comfort me, and apologize, he will belittle me and hurt me. He will own up to nothing and actually trys to turn the heat off of himself and put me in the spotlight.

   If I am the one who comes to him about specific things that have hurt me as a result of him, then that means that it has hurt me enough that I come to him and try to communicate to resolve the situation. He will immediately respond with whatever ammunition he can think of. And then if I ask him to please explain to me what I have done specifically that have made him hurt or angry, he is never been able to come up with specifics. Obviously if something upset him enough, he will either try to communicate with me or at the least be able to come up with what I said or did that upset him.

   I feel like his maid and mother more than I do his fiancé. I rarely get a thank you or any appreciation for all the things that I do for him and around the house. And never has he ever attempted to wash the dishes, do laundry, just even sweep a room to try to make me happy.

   I always tell him that actions speak louder than words. He can tell me that he loves me and that I mean so much to him but his actions contradict those words. I feel like a second class citizen in this house. I come after his friends, family... He didn't get me anything for my birthday, our anniversary yesterday... How is it that he will get his mother a birthday card or a gift at the beginning of the month when he still has money, but doesn't find it important enough to do the same for me? He will also be generous and giving to others, but will charge me, or make there be some course of action that I must take to deserve it.

   Now anyone reading this knows that this is not how you are supposed to treat their significant other treat anyone as a human being. I cannot continue to try to make us better if I'm the only one willing to make any effort. And I must love and respect myself enough to know that I don't deserve to be treated this way. I would be more happy alone than to go through constant pain, a rollacoster ride with my emotions being disregarded and played with constantly. I have come to the conclusion that I deserve to be treated with as much thoughtfulness, kindness, and respect that I give them. I WILL NOT BE A DOORMAT ANYMORE.

SURROUNDING MYSELF WITH POSITIVITY

     I decided awhile ago that I am not going to have negativity in my circle of "family" that I choose to surround myself with. This life is too short and precious to allow negative people, places and things to bring me down and influence me in any negative way. 

     I do not have any way to even get in contact with my mother and sister, no phone number, address...nothing. My father lives about 10 minutes away from me and has no interest in seeing me or his grandson. It makes me hurt and sad that they are missing out on a wonderful and special relationship with my wonderful son. And me. I am actually a very warm, empathetic, compassionate, forgiving and accepting human being. If they would only take the time to get to know me.


     That is why I am aware that I have the innate human right to form and make up my own family, with people of my choice. Warm wise souls who have been through the bullshit, fought the good fight. I just want positivity, I want to live a positive, healthy, progressive life of spiritual evolution. 


     Everyone deserves to be happy, to let go of any resentment, and have inner peace. Love is the answer and love always prevails. 

   

Working On Myself

   I need to work on myself

   Fear is my hindrance, a blockage to enlightened perception


   I don't want to live in that realm anymore


   I want to let go of these ties that bind


   I strive to feel life to the fullest and truly feel ALIVE


   I don't want to live with this wool over my eyes


   My fear is my own worst enemy and it's stifling my life


   Although I'm not afraid to admit my flaws


   I'm not afraid to cry


   I don't want to hold in my insecurities


   I want to surrender to possible rejection


   For I'll never know if I don't give it a try


   I am aware of my faults and that is a step towards the light


   Now comes the venture of trying to evolve


   A spiritual perfection, so pure and true


   Never living behind a mask or disguise


   I don't want to settle for a life of what-ifs and regrets

Our Sixth Sense...

   Our brain is our TRUE sixth sense. Just like our sight, sound, smell,taste, and touch.


   These are the "tools"that we are given in this life. We go through so many lifetimes as we need to in our physical "shells" here on this earth until our souls reach perfection.


   It is then that we attain a sublime awareness- enlightenment. When our sols are "perfected",then we leave our "shells" after our final lifetime.


   Our brains die with our physical body, as does all our physical senses. Our SOULS are immortal.


   Our souls are our feelings, our pure raw emotion. It's the fire inside of us, the "music" inside of our souls.


   We will all get there someday, it may take some souls longer than others, but we will still all get to that same place eventually. A place of pure love and peace, no more suffering.

I'm Scared And Feel Alone

   I have a court date coming up on September 19th. The charges are really bogus and I have a $1500 lawyer, Steve Friend. But I'm still terrified. I've spent too much of my 20's incarcerated, enough is enough. I'm a mother now. I'm doing everything right- going to my DUI classes, doing extra community service, going to meeting, staying sober, taking care of business pretty much.  


   The last time Kenny brought Jayden, my son, over to see me, he said I looked so good that he's going to let me see him more. That's awesome. That made me feel good. J ayden is my world. I can't wait until I can get him more toys and foods that he likes. He really is my only family, him and my cousin Dave are really all that I have in terms of family. I have my wonderful boyfriend as well. He loves and supports me.


   I really have no family. I wrote my dad a letter on Father's Day and he hasn't written me back. He told me to just write him from time to time. I saw him by chance at the grocery store. I just started crying as soon as I saw him because I haven't seen him in so long. I told him about my legal predicament. He said I look good and gave me a hug and that was that. I have been facebook messaged my mom, sharing pictures of me and my son to her page. I messaged her "Do I still have mom? No response. I've been trying to get ahold of my aunt because we've always had a connection and she's always talked to me even when my mom wouldn't. Family is so important and if you have a family and you're close to them, consider yourself lucky. Don't take that for granted.

   So in conclusion, I'm struggling, I'm scared and lonely. But I just have to keep my head held high and keep moving forward. I'm a good person, I love everyone because we're all connected.