They say that every action causes a reaction, that you "reap what you sow". Good begets good, and bad begets bad. I have always believed these thing to be true, but I didn't realize just how true they were until recently. I have begun to see these words in a different context lately, a whole new light...
For so many years of my life, from early adolescence all the way through until almost the age of thirty, I have engaged in self-destructive behaviors of some form or another. As a young teenager, I used to cut myself purposely to dull the emotional pain. I began acting out sexually because I didn't love myself, didn't get much love at home, and was looking for it elsewhere. I began experimenting with alcohol and drugs in order to exist in a different reality because I didn't like the reality that I was really living in. All of these behaviors were not only harmful for me physically, but also mentally.
Throughout my twenties, I was just as horrible to my body. I was using every drug, from hallucinogens to crystal meth, from ecstasy to heroin. I began popping prescription pills like candy, particularly benzodiazapines to relieve my anxiety. I drank alcohol to excess, and by the age of 23, was a full-blown alcoholic who needed to take a swig of liquor as soon as I woke up in order to prevent having the "shakes".
Now I was discussing earlier how every action causes a reaction. It was as a result of my hardcore ecstasy use from the age of 18 to 21 that I began to have intense social anxiety, panic attacks, and other forms of anxiety. My body wasn't producing serotonin by itself anymore, which is the chemical that makes a person happy and gives them a sense of calm and well-being. As a result of using intravenous drugs, I contracted Hepatitis-C around the age of 24. Mainly as a result of benzodiazapine use and abuse, I incurred criminal charges, got caught up in the Colorado legal system, and spent around two years (collectively) incarcerated. I do not have my son in my physical custody right now due to my choices to continue to take benzodiazapines when I know that they lead me to drink alcohol and do other thing that are out of character for me when I am sober.
Although I have been a student of fitness, nutrition, and natural health for many years now, I have been a hypocrite if I am "talking the talk and not walking the walk". Even though since my early 20's I have exercised pretty regularly for bouts at a time, and really wanted to be healthy in my body, my mind just wasn't ready for it yet. I have lost things so precious to me, I have lost so many years of my life. I can truly say that I HIT ROCK BOTTOM.
And now we come to the present day. So what happened? Well, one day only about 6 months ago, I WOKE UP. I had been trying to wake up for years now, so when I say that I woke up, I mean that I finally woke up FULLY. For once in my life, I feel like I am finally growing up, becoming a woman instead of being stagnant as a lost and scared little girl. I have been going to the gym almost on a daily basis. I have been broadening my knowledge on world news, history, politics, anything that I can get my hands on. I have been taking supplements and eating healthy. Because I have been staying clean and doing everything that is expected of me in order to get my son back, I have been granted longer and more frequent visits with him with the intent for them to be unsupervised very shortly and I predict that he will be back living with me in a matter of a few more months!!!
Everything is finally beginning to come together for me in my life, and these things are not happening because I have been sitting around wallowing in my misery and misfortune. The misery that I had been living in, I had CREATED. I had to begin being proactive in my life, recognizing that the negative and self-destructive behaviors that I had been engaging had only negative consequences.
It is never too late to change. The only thing constant is change. The time is NOW. I have been bettering my mind and my body, only to see positive results. And the change never stops. Just because I am actively bettering myself now and yielding amazingly rewarding and fulfilling results, doesn't mean "oh, my life is good now, I guess I can stop and relax now." Improving yourself is an ongoing journey. True wisdom comes from knowing that in fact you know nothing. There is still so much learning and growing that I have to do, the quest never stops.
But I can say that I am genuinely happy now, maybe for the first time in my life. I may be on doing good now, but but just think of how good I will be doing in say another 6 months if I continue on this path?!!! The possibilities are endless...
So here I am, living proof that you CAN achieve a better life by bettering yourself! The change starts with you. "If not now, then when? If not you, then who?"
Resides in the path of my destiny
