Sweetest Girl (Dollar Bill)

My Biggest Fear Is My Biggest Secret

   Everyone is afraid of something... fear of heights, fear of death, fear of spiders, etc. Even though some of us want to portray themselves as fearless and tough, deep down we all have things that we are afraid of. I hide something from people, it's my biggest secret. My biggest fear is being rejected.
   We all want to be accepted, it's human nature. I like to portray a level of confidence wherever I go, but inside I'm scared. I want people to like me, to accept me, to love me. I don't want to be rejected, abandoned, taunted, or dismissed. This fear is my biggest secret because if people know I am afraid of rejection that makes me very vulnerable. I may seem weak or frail and easy to take advantage of. I am a super-sensitive person and I can get hurt easily.
   I love people. I believe in unity in diversity. I possess an abundance of love, empathy and compassion for other people and I wish we could "all just get along". In a perfect world, we would all love and accept one another. Unfortunately this is not a perfect world and not all people are nice and "good". People can be mean, cruel, manipulative, even violent. Some people are just out for themselves and will stop at nothing to get what they want. It's very sad and disheartening, but it's true.
   I have  been hurt, rejected, ridiculed, and abandoned before and it has caused me great pain. As a child in school, kids could be cruel, boyfriends broke up with me, etc. As an adult, people were close-minded and prejudiced, I have experienced and witnessed abuse, betrayal, and genuine lack of love. I just want to be liked and accepted, just like everyone else. For me, it is a very sensitive subject because I am so sensitive. I want to exude confidence because I believe that confidence looks best on a person. People are drawn to confident people. Deep down inside though, I'm just a scared little girl who just wants to be accepted, not rejected.
   I know that my fear and biggest secret may seem silly to some people, but it is very real to me. I know that I need to build more self-love and inner confidence. Those things are the foundation to a confident person. Everyone wants people to like and accept them, but I think that I may want it, need it too much. The need for approval must stem from some deep place within my soul, some past experiences that have really hurt and scarred me. I must learn how to conquer this fear though. I must become a stronger and more confident person.
   So now you know my biggest fear. Now you know my biggest secret. I think it takes a lot of guts to come out with this publicly. It is something that I have always kept bottled deep inside, so I am proud of myself for writing a blog about this. So what is your biggest fear? Leave a comment and let me know!!!

The Road Less Traveled By...

   I am at a point in my life's journey where I have come to a fork in the road. One road is safe and easy, but will eventually lead to emptiness and dissatisfaction in the long run. The other road is an uphill battle, but will lead to joy and fulfillment in the long run. It is time for me to make a choice.

    I have always taken the easy road throughout my life, depended on a man to support me, and never had to take scary risks. The terms of life have changed now, as something else has been added to the equation--- something worth fighting for. This is about my son.

   As many of you may know, my son's father died last November. My son, Jayden, is without a father and is not living with me at this present time. He is with close family friends and he is doing fine, but I am in the process of getting him reunified with me after six long months. I have jumped through every hoop imaginable and done everything that has been expected of me. I see Jayden regularly and my visitation with him has increased. Everyone is rooting for me, I feel like I am the heroine in a comic book novel where I am the one who must come and "save the day". That analogy rings very true...

   It has come to the point now where they will be considering Jayden to be living with me and it is very important that I have a safe and healthy environment for him to live in. This is where my decision weighs in. There are certain aspects to my current living situation that are beyond my control that are not appropriate for a child to be living in. If this current situation is not acceptable for my son, then it is time for me to continue moving forward and walk this path alone.

   The easy way out is not feasible anymore. I will not even consider it, because that means losing the chance of having Jayden and I WILL NOT accept that as "okay". So I will be moving on, relying and depending on no one but myself. That is the way it should have been years ago, but at least I am finally taking this step towards independence. And yes, it is scary. No one ever said that things are supposed to be easy. But this road will be spiritually rewarding, and my heart will not be empty anymore---it will be filled with the love of my son!!! And that is the ONLY man that I will ever need...

   " I shall be telling this with a sigh, somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood and I--
   I took the one less traveled by,    And that has made all the difference."
                                                                                                                  --- Robert Frost

Mother's Day... An Especially Sad Day For Me

Mother's Day is supposed to be a happy day, a day for mother and child to unite and cherish the bond that they have. It is a day for children to show their mother's how much they love and appreciate them. Unfortunately, this national holiday only makes me sad.

I have never felt that nurturing type of energy from my mother. It is a quality that a mother is supposed to have, but I never felt it. My mom has always been the "tough-love" type, always very serious, never very light-hearted or humorous. She was always very involved in her career, and at times she would refer to the children that she worked with (she is a social worker) as "her kids". It made me feel that I was not her #1 priority and that she put her profession before her real children.

As an adult, our relationship has also been strained. Her "tough-love" approach and high expectations have made it very difficult for us to have any type of close relationship. I have a son now, and if you have read my previous blogs, you know how much he means to me and how very much I love and adore him. I am working on getting him back with me. I want him to be close with his grandmother just as much as I want to be close with my mom.

I certainly don't condemn my mom for how she is. I know that how a person is has a lot to do with how they were raised, their environmental circumstances growing up, and certain psychological dispositions. Also, I know that I haven't been the world's perfect daughter. I have messed up time and time again and I have been a dissapointment to my mom in many ways. I certainly take responsibility for all of my wrongdoings.


My mom was just recently in town to visit with my son and she didn't even want to take some time to see me. She is upset at the circumstances in which I do not have my son. The circumstances have nothing to do with abuse or neglect in any way but rather have to do with substance abuse which I immediately sought treatment for. I am jumping through every hoop and doing everything that social services expected of me and more. But that is another blog....

To completely avoid me and want nothing to do with me, to never call or reach out to me, it really hurts. The hurt runs very deep, as this is my mother we're talking about. This is my own flesh and blood.

Like I said, I have a son. I know how strong a mother's love is. Therefore, I can't understand how my mother can just write me off like she is doing and completely not want me in her life. I could never be like that with my son Jaden. No matter what he does, he will always be my son. I will never reject him or push him away.

So while Mother's day is a happy, celebratory day for most, it just can't be that way for me. It brings tears to my eyes at the thought of how distant I am with my own mother. I hope that one day, some beautiful day, things with me and my mom will be closer than ever before...

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